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    Inigo Montoya’s Schooldays

    | MD, USA | Geeks Rule, Movies & TV, Teachers

    (Our professor is assigning lab partners on the first day of class.)

    Professor: “Now, if these assignments seem random, that’s because they are. I rolled a d20.”

    (He reads off the list, then adds…)

    Professor: “By the way, these are not set in stone. If you just broke up, or if your lab partner killed your father and needs to prepare to die, talk to me after class and I’ll change it.”

    Only One Of Those Things Is True

    | CA, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Musical Mayhem, Theme Of The Month

    (I work as a teacher’s aide at an elementary school. I normally work with upper graders, but a few days a week I have recess duty on the kindergarten playground. This story takes place one of the days I am on the kindergarten playground.)

    Kindergartner: *pointing at me* “You’re married!”

    Me: “I am?”

    (Note: I am not married. I am not in the habit of wearing rings, either.)

    Kindergartner: “You have a husband!”

    Me: “I do? Why didn’t I know this?”

    Kindergartner: “Justin Bieber is gay!”

    (I am stunned into silent confusion as she ran off to play some more.)

    Blinded By The Truth

    | NJ, USA | Bad Behavior, Health & Body, Teachers

    (I am blind in one eye, causing me to have no sense of depth perception. Despite this, I am a member of my school’s colourguard. I have mostly learned how to judge distances, but since I can’t see how far away anything is from me, I occasionally misjudge how far away a toss is from me. In this case, my very strict, arrogant band director is watching me do a challenging toss on flag.)

    Me: *completely misjudges toss*

    Band Director: “Why didn’t you catch that? What are you, blind?”

    Me: *pause* “Yes, actually.”

    (I have never seen anyone thrown off their high horse so quickly. Now, much to my amusement, it’s a recurring joke in my guard to call someone blind when they can’t catch something!)

    Plural Pick Up Lines

    | NY, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque, Students

    (We are reviewing possessives in French class.)

    Teacher: “The possessive depends on whether the noun is singular or plural.”

    Student #1: “Are you… single?”

    Teacher: *facepalm*

    Student #2: “Ooh! Ooh! Are you single? ‘Cause I’m single, and we can be plural together!”

    Teacher: “I. Am. Teaching. A French. Class… NOT A CLASS ON HOW TO PICK UP WOMEN!”

    Student #2: “Are you an angel? Because I’m allergic to feathers…”

    Teacher: “That’s not even how it goes…”

    Student #3: “[Student #2], it’s supposed be ‘did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?'” Mine is; ‘did you fall from a B14? ‘Cause you’re a bomb!'”

    Teaching Life Lessons

    | CA, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Family & Kids, Theme Of The Month

    (I am an aide at an elementary school, and I sometimes have recess duty during primary recess. One of the third graders comes up to me and talks to me like she usually does. She likes to ask me what I want to be when I grow up… but today it’s a little different.)

    Third Grader: “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

    (I am about to answer ‘author’ like usual, but she keeps talking.)

    Third Grader: “And more than an author.”

    Me: “Oh, well, there’s not much more I want to be than author! Except maybe a millionaire so I can buy a nice house.”

    Third Grader: “Then why are you teaching?”

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