The Beautiful Game Of Karma

| Wiltshire, England, UK | Sports, Students

(I, like my art teacher, am an Arsenal fan. We are recovering from a 5-1 loss to Bayern Munich.)

Classmate: “Hey, [My Name], do these four names mean anything to you?” *proceeds to name the four Bayern Munich scorers*

Me: “[Teacher], What does [Classmate] have to do to make you give him a detention?”

Teacher: “Just generally annoy me, I guess.”

Me: “[Classmate], care to repeat those four names?”

Classmate: “Erm… uhh…”

The Anatomy Of A Beep

| UK | Bad Behavior, Teachers

(Our chemistry teacher is fairly strict, but is well liked as he’s a good teacher with a good, dry sense of humour. Today we are in the computer room. These computers make an obnoxious beeping sound if the tab key is pressed too many times. Many of the pupils are deliberately making this noise.)

Student: *knowing what the noise is but feigning ignorance* “Sir, what’s that beeping noise?”

Teacher: “It is the sound of people with incredibly small penises.”

(The beeping immediately stopped.)

Meno-Pause Until Recess

| London, England, UK | Awesome, Food & Drink, Staff

(Around year 10/9th grade, I develop a lot of confidence quite dramatically and stop being embarrassed about a lot of things. It sometimes leads to clashes with people who think I should be more embarrassed or apologetic for things I can’t change, such as not understanding a question or, in this case, uncontrollable biological functions.)

Me: *realises during class I’ve just started my period, days early, and therefore have not taken necessary precautions* “Miss, could I go to the toilet, please?”

Teacher: “No, you can wait. There is only 20 minutes left until break.”

Me: “No, seriously, miss, I really need to go to the toilet. I’ll be less than five minutes, I promise.”

Teacher: *sighs and looks at me down her nose* “[My Name], are you a small child who can’t hold their bladder for 20 minutes?”

Me: *getting slightly desperate at this point because, hey, bleeding through your clothing is uncomfortable and kind of gross* “No, miss, I’m a 15 year old with a uterus who needs to go put a pad in because I just started my period!”

Teacher: *looks disgusted* “Go to the pastoral office, NOW!”

Me: *shrugs, goes to the bathroom then to the pastoral office*

(I explain what happened and the pastoral officer is baffled as to why I’ve been sent there. 15 minutes later my teacher arrives looking smug.)

Teacher: “I take it you’ve received your detention, then?”

Me: “No? I’m not entirely sure why I was sent here and nor is [Pastoral Officer].”

Teacher: *looks shocked and goes into the pastoral officer’s office, closing the door behind her*

(Luckily for me the office walls are made of plywood so I get a front-row seat as my teacher is torn to shreds for trying to have me punished for mentioning the word “period”, which she deemed inappropriate for a classroom. She comes out and barely looks at me as she passes.)

Pastoral Officer: *passes me a chocolate bar surreptitiously* “I know we’re supposed to support that healthy eating crap so don’t let [Head Teacher] know I gave you this. You can go to your next class now. You’ll be a few minutes late but tell your next teacher you were with me, and get a hot water bottle from the nurse if you need to, okay?”

Me: “Yes, miss!”

(In an all-girls school of over 1000 students, it baffles me as to how mentioning a period could be seen by anyone as a punishable offence. It makes me wonder what that teacher does every month, close her eyes and pretend it’s not happening?)

Making A Complete Asperger Of Themself

| Birmingham, England, UK | Bad Behavior, Bigotry

(All R.S. students in my year are taking a day trip. I have Asperger’s Syndrome, which is a mild form of autism that hinders my social abilities. My friends end up at the back of the bus, five in a row. I sit in front of them with another friend. One friend has the habit of calling people autistic when they do something stupid.)

Friend #1: *randomly says something dumb*

Friend #2: “AUTISM!”

Me: *whips head around to stare at him* “Yes, you called?”

(Everyone broke out laughing, including him, as he tried to explain himself. I wasn’t offended and found the whole thing hilarious.)

No Jump(er) For Joy

| Wales, UK | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Teachers

(My school has a strict uniform policy. The school sold tank tops (sweater vests) as an optional part but not long sleeve jumpers. The tank tops are also quite expensive. My arms often get cold in the winter with just a blazer on (especially as we aren’t allowed to wear coats in the school grounds) so I buy a cheap plain v-neck jumper to wear with it. With the blazer on it is indistinguishable from the tank tops. One day after we’d had vaccinations, I leave the hall and put my jumper back on. The head teacher catches me as I am putting my blazer back on. She dislikes me because my brother is always in trouble.)

Headteacher: “That’s not part of the school uniform; take it off!”

Me: “But, Miss, I’m cold.”

Headteacher: “If you’re cold buy a tank top.”

Me: “They don’t keep me warm, and I can’t afford them.”

Headteacher: “Take it off or you’ll be in detention.”

(I take the jumper off to shut her up, but put it back on as soon as I round the corner. Later that same day I run into her again. She walks past half a dozen boys wearing hoodies instead of blazers, towards me.)

Headteacher: “I thought I told you to take that jumper off.”

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