There Will Be Blood

| Melaka, Malaysia | Physical, Students

(All the students are lined up in the quad waiting for assembly to start. I am chatting to one of my classmates when my best friend, who is a prefect, walks up to us and slaps me in the face. Prefects are “good” students who are appointed to police the other students’ behaviour.)

Me: *furious* “Do you think you can slap me for talking just because you’re a prefect?”

(Without saying anything, my friend holds her hand up to reveal a large dead mosquito and some blood splatter.)

Giving Up On Sex

| UK | Rude & Risque

(We have just finished the reproductive system in biology. Our teacher has gotten us to write any sex-related questions we wish to ask on paper and put them in a box.)

Teacher: *reading from paper* “Is sex still enjoyable if you are circumcised?”

(Our head of year, who is from a religion that practices circumcision, walks in.)

Teacher: “Let’s just skip that question.”

Head Of Year: “What are you all discussing?”

Teacher: “Sex-related questions.”

Head Of Year: “Uh… okay. I think I will go and check on one of the other classes.”

(Our head of year practically runs out of the room and the class bursts into laughter. A few questions later the head teacher and deputy head walk in.)

Teacher: “I give up.”

Head Teacher: “You give up on what?”

Teacher: “Apparently everyone decided to do learning walks the one lesson I attempt to do something off syllabus with this lot.”

(Head Teacher walked over and read the slip of paper, blushed, and left the room, resulting in the class laughing again.)

The Beautiful Game Of Karma

| Wiltshire, England, UK | Sports, Students

(I, like my art teacher, am an Arsenal fan. We are recovering from a 5-1 loss to Bayern Munich.)

Classmate: “Hey, [My Name], do these four names mean anything to you?” *proceeds to name the four Bayern Munich scorers*

Me: “[Teacher], What does [Classmate] have to do to make you give him a detention?”

Teacher: “Just generally annoy me, I guess.”

Me: “[Classmate], care to repeat those four names?”

Classmate: “Erm… uhh…”

The Anatomy Of A Beep

| UK | Bad Behavior, Teachers

(Our chemistry teacher is fairly strict, but is well liked as he’s a good teacher with a good, dry sense of humour. Today we are in the computer room. These computers make an obnoxious beeping sound if the tab key is pressed too many times. Many of the pupils are deliberately making this noise.)

Student: *knowing what the noise is but feigning ignorance* “Sir, what’s that beeping noise?”

Teacher: “It is the sound of people with incredibly small penises.”

(The beeping immediately stopped.)

Meno-Pause Until Recess

| London, England, UK | Awesome, Food & Drink, Staff

(Around year 10/9th grade, I develop a lot of confidence quite dramatically and stop being embarrassed about a lot of things. It sometimes leads to clashes with people who think I should be more embarrassed or apologetic for things I can’t change, such as not understanding a question or, in this case, uncontrollable biological functions.)

Me: *realises during class I’ve just started my period, days early, and therefore have not taken necessary precautions* “Miss, could I go to the toilet, please?”

Teacher: “No, you can wait. There is only 20 minutes left until break.”

Me: “No, seriously, miss, I really need to go to the toilet. I’ll be less than five minutes, I promise.”

Teacher: *sighs and looks at me down her nose* “[My Name], are you a small child who can’t hold their bladder for 20 minutes?”

Me: *getting slightly desperate at this point because, hey, bleeding through your clothing is uncomfortable and kind of gross* “No, miss, I’m a 15 year old with a uterus who needs to go put a pad in because I just started my period!”

Teacher: *looks disgusted* “Go to the pastoral office, NOW!”

Me: *shrugs, goes to the bathroom then to the pastoral office*

(I explain what happened and the pastoral officer is baffled as to why I’ve been sent there. 15 minutes later my teacher arrives looking smug.)

Teacher: “I take it you’ve received your detention, then?”

Me: “No? I’m not entirely sure why I was sent here and nor is [Pastoral Officer].”

Teacher: *looks shocked and goes into the pastoral officer’s office, closing the door behind her*

(Luckily for me the office walls are made of plywood so I get a front-row seat as my teacher is torn to shreds for trying to have me punished for mentioning the word “period”, which she deemed inappropriate for a classroom. She comes out and barely looks at me as she passes.)

Pastoral Officer: *passes me a chocolate bar surreptitiously* “I know we’re supposed to support that healthy eating crap so don’t let [Head Teacher] know I gave you this. You can go to your next class now. You’ll be a few minutes late but tell your next teacher you were with me, and get a hot water bottle from the nurse if you need to, okay?”

Me: “Yes, miss!”

(In an all-girls school of over 1000 students, it baffles me as to how mentioning a period could be seen by anyone as a punishable offence. It makes me wonder what that teacher does every month, close her eyes and pretend it’s not happening?)

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