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Listening Will Fly You Far In Life

| England, UK | Bad Behavior, Students

(Having completed an engineering apprenticeship, my company has asked me to go to a local school to help show the students what is involved. It is a fun day out so I agree. We start by getting the students to work in teams to build something to a drawing. I am in a classroom explaining what to do. All but two are listening.)

Me: “Sorry, guys, but if you don’t listen you won’t know what to do.”

Boys: “What?”

Me: “I’m explaining what you need to do; if you don’t listen you won’t know.”

(Without even an answer, they start talking again. The class are given one hour to build. About half way through, my boss shows up and calls me aside.)

Boss: “How’s it going?”

Me: “Good, although a couple aren’t even listening.”

Boss: “Have they done anything?”

Me: *I peer around the door* “They are doing something, but I have no idea what.”

Boss: “I see them. Don’t worry about it.”

(The class finish their time and go to the hall to race the planes they’ve built. The two boys go to the start line with a box.)

Teacher: “What happened here?”

Boys: “We didn’t know what to do.”

Teacher: “Was it too hard for you?”

Boss: “Sorry to interrupt, but these two lads were too busy gluing things to their own hands to actually listen.”

Teacher: “Oh! Well, go on, you two. Race your plane.”

(I will never forget the two lads who had to throw this brick of paper and straws in an effort to fly the farthest. Next time, listen!)

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No One Expects THAT Spanish Inquisition

| SC, USA | Extra Stupid, History, Teachers

(I’m a history major and have loved history since as long as I can remember. However, this professor is unprofessional, rude, and often gives inaccurate information. There is about ten minutes left of class after we go over the last night’s readings, so he’s giving some background “history” regarding our readings. I’m not really listening because he often says things I don’t believe are historically accurate. I’m just staring at my notes when suddenly he says something that peaks my interest.)

Professor: “Queen Isabella believed that when Jesus came, all the Jews in the world would be killed. That’s what the inquisition was really about. She was trying to help them.”

Me: *thinking in my head* “What the actual…”

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Well, Both Places Don’t Get A Lot Of Sunlight

| Leeds, England, UK | Bizarre/Silly, Rude & Risque

(I’m a teaching assistant working with 9- to 10-year-olds. The kids are working on stories meant to develop their use of adjectives and causal conjunctions (“because of,” “as a result of,” etc.), which involve writing about how fictional creatures went extinct. One of the girls asks me to check her work, so I pick up her workbook and start reading aloud from it.)

Me: “It is a well-known fact that vampires used to live on Uranus.”

(As this is an unusual opening statement even by the standards of their writing, I give her an appraising look. She looks me in the eye, face perfectly straight, and says…)

Student: “I’m not talking about the planet.”

(I immediately started corpsing and had to leave the room in order to laugh out loud. The delivery was absolutely killer.)

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The Election Appealed To Third Graders

| Jamaica, NY, USA | Family & Kids, Politics

(I teach a class of third-grade autistic students. This morning, apropos of nothing, they came out with this.)

Student #1: “My mom is voting for Mary Clinton, because Trump is craaaazy!”

Student #2: “Well, I’m voting for Donald Trump 2016!”

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Gorillas In The Blacklist

| CA, USA | Bad Behavior, Field Trip, Pets & Animals, Teachers

(We are on a field trip to the San Diego Zoo with a class and a couple of others. We approach the gorilla exhibit with a sign reading: “Please do not make direct eye contact with the gorillas.” So what does our teacher do? Exactly that.)

Teacher: “Oh, I gotta try this. But if I do this, I’m gonna do it right!”

(He searches the exhibit and finds the alpha male, a very, very large gorilla who is idly eating his food, and the teacher just mad dogs him. He stares directly at him, doesn’t look away for a second, doesn’t move, rarely even blinks.)

Gorilla: *starts noticing Teacher staring, gets up, and starts grunting and pounding his chest and generally makes a lot of noise*

(This begins to freak out all of the other gorillas and they do the same thing.)

Zookeeper: *quickly approaches the exhibit and looks at Teacher* “Sir? I need you to leave immediately. Where are you from?”

Teacher: “I’m from [High School].”

Zookeeper: “Okay. [High School] is banned. Please leave.”

(He didn’t make a huge fuss, but he was escorted out along with the rest of the students and chaperones on the field trip. He was lucky no one told the principal, but he’s still not sure if he and the school are still banned.)