Turning Up The Immaturity

| Bad Behavior, Teachers

(I am in [Teacher #1]’s class and we are watching a video when a student walks into our class. [Teacher #1] and [Teacher #2] are known to be good friends.)

Student: “[Teacher #2] wants you to lower the volume.”

Teacher #1: “Sure.”

(The student leaves and [Teacher #1] proceeds to raise the volume with an evil grin. The next day…)

Teacher #1: “So today we’re going to-”

(She is interrupted by a blast of loud music.)

Teacher #2: *from across the hall* “Ha ha ha!”

Teacher #1: “…”


Alien Meat

| Birmingham, England, UK | Bizarre/Silly, Food & Drink, Health & Body

(Donner kebab is a greasy take away food similar to shawarma. This child is autistic and means everything he says with no humour intended.)

Child: “Miss, I need to talk to you.”

Me: “Okay, what is it?”

Child: “Not in front of him.” *points at the child I’m with*

Me: “That’s fine; we’ll move.” *we go into another room*

Child: *in a loud whisper* “I think I’m an alien.”

Me: “Right… and why do you think that?”

Child: “Because I’ve got green poo so I must be an alien.”

Me: “Oooookay… what have you eaten recently? Sometimes things we eat can do funny things to our poo. Have you eaten lots of green vegetables?”

Child: “I had kebab for dinner and then had it cold for breakfast.”

Me: “Yeah, I think that’s probably it. I definitely don’t think you’re an alien though. I think it was the kebab.”


Time To Get A New Way To Tell Time

| MN, USA | Exams/Tests, Time

(I am taking a standardized college entrance test, and we are writing an essay portion. The clock in the room is broken and I don’t have a watch.)

Proctor: “Five minutes left!”

(I wrap up my paragraph and conclude it quickly, panicked, as I could have sworn we should have had more time. The end is a bit rough, but as I’m writing the proctor pipes up again after about four minutes.)

Proctor: “Oops, sorry! I read my watch wrong. You still have eleven more minutes!”

(Let this be a lesson to teachers and proctors everywhere: don’t wear an analog watch if you cannot read it.)


Scoping Out The Dangers

| CT, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Math & Science, Teachers

(I work setting up biology labs at a satellite campus for a community college. We’ve moved buildings recently, and due to moving late in the summer, we didn’t fully move until four weeks into the semester. Consequently, we’re super behind on the labs, and many teachers are combining their labs to make up the difference. I’m working to schedule a lab with a teacher during her lab period in my lab prep area. She’s been in here a while and I’m worried about her getting back to lab as she’s not supposed to leave them unsupervised.)

Me: “Um, don’t you need to get back in there?”

Teacher: “They’re only doing microscopes. It’s not like they can set themselves on fire.”

Me: “There’s not even a gas line in there.”

Teacher: “Oh, yeah…”

Me: “Unless they can spontaneously combust… in which case we have bigger problems.”

Teacher: “And so much paperwork…”

Me: “But on the other hand, that’s a major scientific breakthrough.”

Teacher: “I’ll get the reporters when it happens.”

(Nobody caught fire that day, and I showed her where the fire blanket was.)


The Nohawk

| Houma, LA, USA | Bizarre/Silly

Fourth Grader: “Mr. [My Name], I’m not saying you’re old, but why do old men shave just the middle part of their heads?”

Me: “Oh it’s a very popular style with older men. It’s called a reverse Mohawk.”