‘Do Re Mi’ Became Do Me

| USA | Movies & TV, Musical Mayhem, Rude & Risque

(In music class, we have just finished watching The Sound Of Music. Our teacher pauses to movie to explain to us what happened to the family afterwards.)

Teacher: “So, two of the children died while they were traveling on the mountain. But, [Main Character] and [Her Husband] had several other children afterwards.”

Student: “So, when they had kids, did they do it on the mountain?”

Teacher: “I’m… not going to answer that.”

Failed The Democratic Process

| USA | Criminal/Illegal, Politics

(All the students taking the class in this debate are American citizens. The topic under discussion is crime and punishment. Girl #1 is a senior suffering from sleep deprivation in the last weeks of the school year. Near the end of class, she is answering a question about what did she think should/would happen if she was falsely arrested.)

Girl #1: *looks pensive then replies in a ringing, confident voice* “I can’t be arrested. My mother is a diplomat. I have diplomatic immunity.”

Girl #2: *gives her friend a momentarily confused look, but then says in mildly exasperated tone* “[Girl #1], your mother is a DEMOCRAT.”

Girl #1: “Oh.”

Thankful That The Kindergartners Don’t Cook

| Louisville, KY, USA | Family & Kids, Holidays

(Every year, my grade school asks the kindergarteners for recipes for turkey. They print the best ones in the parent newsletter for Thanksgiving weekend:)

Kindergartener #1: “Go out into the woods and find a turkey. Bring it home, add salt and pepper, and cook for ten minutes at ten degrees.”

Kindergartener #2: “Stuff a turkey with ketchup. Put it in the oven at 300 degrees for two minutes.”

Kindergartener #3: “Buy a turkey. Put bread in it. Cook at 4000 degrees for three hours.”

A Superior A**-Hole

, | Noblesville, IN, USA | Pets & Animals, Religion

Theology Teacher: “Okay! So we’ve established that humans have superior intellects and free will. The real question now is, what do we do with it? Any ideas, [Student]?”

Student: *clearly very lost* “Um, rub it in the other animals’ faces?”

Theology Teacher: “Well, it’s not suggested, but I suppose you could. ‘Ha Ha, I was made in the image and likeness of God and you weren’t! TAKE THAT, FIDO!’”

Only Getting A Middle(Earth) Grade

| Germany | Cheaters, Exams/Tests

(After getting back the results of an exam, a classmate — who is already infamous for cheating — asks our teacher to come to his desk. They talk privately but since most of the other students already know what the topic of the conversation will be, they stay quiet and listen.)

Student #1: “Mrs. [Teacher], why did I get an ‘F’ on my exam? I’m pretty sure I should have at least a ‘C’ or a ‘B’!”

Teacher: “Why do you think that?”

Student #1: “Well, because… I learned together with [Student #2] for the exam and he has a ‘B.’ If his answers are right, mine should be, too!”

Student #2: *loudly from behind* “Nonsense! We didn’t learn together! You copied my answers!”

Student #1: “Well, then shouldn’t I have the same grade as you?”

Student #3: *laughing* “Not if he lets you copy his answers, then erases them and writes down the right answers while you are writing.”

Teacher: “Yep, [Classmate] is right! By the way: Santa Claus did not lead the first North Pole expedition, and its territory is not divided between Gondor, Mordor, Valinor, Numenor, and Fartland. At least try reading what you copy!”