The Handwriting’s On The Wall

| AZ, USA | Cheaters, Homework

(I have a student who is due to graduate this year. He is one of THOSE cases; smart, but lazy and utterly lacking in motivation. He and I have butted heads throughout the year and he seems to take delight in doing as little work as possible, on whatever timetable he likes. One day he appears with his study guide packet and with an uncharacteristic sense of urgency, starts pushing me to “put his hundreds in.” Of course, I am immediately suspicious. Upon reviewing the work, I realize the missing assignments are in very neat, decidedly girly writing. I flip back to his previous work and confirm it is not in his handwriting. In fact, it’s likely in his GIRLFRIEND’S handwriting, who had been in my class the previous year. Disgusted, I toss the issue off to my admin, who is well-acquainted with both this student and these sorts of hijinks.)

Principal: “I called you in to discuss your work. Ms. [My Name] is not going to be able to give you credit for this late work because it is not in your writing.”

Student: *protesting* “What? Yes, it is.”

Principal: *turns to the page in question, covered with flawless girly print* “Oh, so this is your writing?”

Student: “Yes, sir.”

Principal: *feigns surprise* “Oh, I see. Then I suppose… *flips back in the packet to previous, non-girly pages, of which there are many* “…apparently THESE are NOT in your writing, and I guess she’ll be giving you zeroes on all of THESE then.”

Student: “What?!”

Principal: “Well, if these three assignments ARE your handwriting, then apparently you didn’t do all of the REST of these assignments.”

Student: “…”

Principal: “…”

Student: “Well… I guess I had a LITTLE help on those three.”

Principal: “So, zeroes, then?”

Student: “Yes, sir.”


A Very Testing Student

| USA | USA | Bad Behavior, Exams/Tests

(I’m a very literal and realistic person. During a test I am somehow disruptive, and am sent to the office.)

Vice Principal: “[My Name], what is the purpose of testing?”

(The correct answer is, “To check my progress.”)

Me: “So you get a pay raise when enough students do well.”

(He became really flustered and ended up stuttering out three “sentences” before giving me detention. I had to write about the importance of state testing. I titled it, “Why the American Public School System Stopped Education for Money”. The Vice told me he’ll get back to me in a week with details of my punishment. I’ve been laughing my a** off for weeks about it.)


And The Frozen Glass Slippers Too!

| FL, USA | Family & Kids

(Before reading a story to my class of three year olds, I remind the kids to have “watching eyes” to see the pictures, “listening ears” to hear the story, and to sit still with “frozen” hands and feet. One little girl protested.)

Little Girl: “No! I wanna have Cinderella feet!”


And They Don’t Like Your Shirt Either

| Victoria, BC, USA | Health & Body, Non-Dialogue

One day we’re visited by an educator from the Vancouver Island Health Authority, who’s there to tell us about mental health issues and how to recognize them.

During her presentation, I stretch by pulling my arms over my head, and she does a minor double take before carrying on about how schizophrenia manifests in teenagers and what to do about it if we start noticing signs or symptoms.

It’s only once I leave the classroom that I remember I’m wearing a t-shirt that says, “I hear voices and they don’t like you.”


Spongebob Dumb-Pants

| Seattle, WA, USA | Extra Stupid

(In my science class, I am seated next to a kid who is notorious for not shutting up. He also seems to not pick up on sarcasm, unfortunately for my sense of humor. We are supposed to be studying for our finals, but this student is giving a running commentary instead.)

Me: *fed up* “If you don’t stop talking, I’m going to rip out your voice box.”

Talker: “But that’s a thing on Spongebob! It’s not real!”

(For the record, the episode he was thinking of involved a LAUGH box, not a voice box.)

Me: “Yeah… it is.”

Talker: “No, it was just a joke!”

Me: “Seriously? What, are gorillas not real either because they were used as jokes?”

Talker: “But it’s not a real thing, right?”

(I wish I could say this was the dumbest thing he said. Between believing that we could survive without the sun by using a bunch of blankets and heaters, and insisting that I convert to his religion without actually having partaken in its practices, this kid is a headache to deal with most days.)