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At Least They Got Out Of Their Shell

| GA, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Pets & Animals, Students

(I go to an animal studies university. The teacher is talking to us about a visitor coming in later that week.)

Teacher: “A friend of mine will be coming in on Tuesday to teach us about turtle extraction devices.”

Student: “Um… Um…”

Teacher: “Yes, [Student]?”

Student: “Yeah, so how do turtles die?”

Teacher: “Well, they can suffocate on shrimp fishing nets, or get caught in them.”

Student: “But… but… But what about the shells.”

Teacher: “They can still die.”

Student: *now obviously worked up* “BUT THE SHELLS! THE SHELLS!”

(I kid you not, this kid runs out of the class, screaming.)

Student: “THE SHELLS!”

Class: *blank stares*

Teacher: “This is why we can’t have nice things.” *shakes head slowly*

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Canvassing For A Cult

| PA, USA | Art/Design, Musical Mayhem

(While discussing how we chose the subjects of our paintings in art class:)

Classmate: “I was listening to a song at the time about overcoming one’s obstacles in life, so I thought, ‘Let’s paint something like that!’”

Me: “I was listening to a song about a cult burning down an orphanage full of children, so I thought, ‘Let’s NOT paint something like that…’”

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The Shakers Of The Education World

| Wellington, New Zealand | Bad Behavior, Language & Words, Teachers

(Two earthquakes have struck central New Zealand, and have twice resulted in the closure of the university so it can be checked. The first was on a Sunday, but the second was on a Friday, resulting in varying forms of this being said by lecturers the following Monday.)

Lecturer: “Now, if there is an earthquake, remain calm and get under the tables until the shaking has stopped. Once it has, calmly get the f*** out of the building, because I really don’t want to be in here!”

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We’re Going To Need A Bigger Attitude Adjustment

| USA | Field Trip, Health & Body

(I sign up for a kayak trip with a camp this year. The participants are all teenagers. The leaders are a guy in his 20s and a woman in her 50s. The guy looks super fit, the woman, not so much. We do some team building activities the first day and a couple of the teens are kind of jerks. The second day, we have to carry our kayaks down to the lake. There are nine of us total so we have to carry nine boats. It takes two people to carry a kayak — at least I thought it did. The woman leader pairs us up and we carry the first four boats to a good stopping point and then go back for four more. Then she assigns the last boat to two kids who’d caused some trouble during the team building exercises. She follows the last boat to the midway point where the rest of us are waiting. We are already tired but the boats have to be moved the rest of the way. The two who had to carry the extra boat, Teen #1 and Teen #2, are grumbling.)

Woman: “Okay, let’s move these the rest of the way.”

Teen #1: “Easy for you to say.”

(The woman picks up one of the kayaks by herself and puts it right behind another one. She then tells one girl to grab the front of one and another girl to grab the back of the other. She picks up the back of one and the front of the other and walks the rest of the way carrying both boats without stopping unless one of the girls assisting her had to. At the lake, she picks up one of the boats alone and sets it at the water’s edge.)

Woman: “Okay. Now you see that I CAN move a kayak. The difference is I don’t HAVE to move a kayak. When I ask you to do something, there is a reason behind the request. This trip will only work if we work together and respect each other.”

Teen #2: “Point taken.”

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Donald Trump Is Bad For The Spanish

, | CA, USA | Politics, Students

(I’m in an online Spanish class the day after US Presidential Election day, working with two other students to create a recorded phone call; this entails an answering machine and a message being left. We are unsure what to say until I just randomly spit out the first thing I think of.)

Me: “Why not just make it Donald Trump?”

Student #1: “YEEEES! And the caller can be Hillary Clinton!”

Me: “And it can just entirely be Hillary insulting Donald!”

Student #1 & #2: “Let’s do it.”

(We then write out the call in Spanish. In English it is essentially:)

Donald Trump: “Hello, you have reached the phone of Donald Trump. Leave a message after the tone, and remember MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!” *beep*

Hillary Clinton: “Hello, RONALD DUMP! You are ugly and stupid and your hair is very ugly! I’m giving the phone to Bernie.”

Bernie Sanders: “Hello, Ronald Dump! It’s Bernie! You are bad for America! Very bad, bad, baaad! Goodbye, Trump. Goodbye, America. Goodbye!”

(We got a A+ on that assignment, and we got to read it in class.)