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    Only One Of Those Things Is True

    | CA, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Musical Mayhem, Theme Of The Month

    (I work as a teacher’s aide at an elementary school. I normally work with upper graders, but a few days a week I have recess duty on the kindergarten playground. This story takes place one of the days I am on the kindergarten playground.)

    Kindergartner: *pointing at me* “You’re married!”

    Me: “I am?”

    (Note: I am not married. I am not in the habit of wearing rings, either.)

    Kindergartner: “You have a husband!”

    Me: “I do? Why didn’t I know this?”

    Kindergartner: “Justin Bieber is gay!”

    (I am stunned into silent confusion as she ran off to play some more.)

    Teaching Life Lessons

    | CA, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Family & Kids, Theme Of The Month

    (I am an aide at an elementary school, and I sometimes have recess duty during primary recess. One of the third graders comes up to me and talks to me like she usually does. She likes to ask me what I want to be when I grow up… but today it’s a little different.)

    Third Grader: “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

    (I am about to answer ‘author’ like usual, but she keeps talking.)

    Third Grader: “And more than an author.”

    Me: “Oh, well, there’s not much more I want to be than author! Except maybe a millionaire so I can buy a nice house.”

    Third Grader: “Then why are you teaching?”

    A Hole New Way Of Spelling

    , | Jeffco, CO, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque, Students

    (A six-year-old girl comes up to the playground teacher.)

    Girl: “That boy called me a bad name!”

    Teacher: “What did he call you?”

    Girl: “He called me the S-word!”

    (The teacher and I look at each other a moment.)

    Teacher: “What’s the S-word?”

    Girl: “I can’t say it. It’s too bad!”

    Teacher: “Whisper to me then.”

    (Girl stands tippy-toe and whispers in Teacher’s ear, then trots away. Teacher turns to me with an odd look on her face.)

    Me: “What was the word?”

    Teacher: “S-hole!”

    Just What The Médecin Ordered

    | Paris, France | Geeks Rule, Movies & TV, Students, Teachers, Theme Of The Month

    (My job is to teach the basics of English to six-year-old children who, at best, don’t care about what I say. I happen to be a huge fan of ‘Dr Who,’ and my pencil case is a Tardis replica. Since the show is not really famous in France, it is quite unusual that anyone ever notices it. One afternoon, though, a child who is usually quite unruly approaches me.)

    Child: “Your pencil case… It looks like something, but it’s something else…”

    Me: “What is it, then?

    Child: “The Doctor’s box!”

    (I almost gasp out of surprise, and then I regain composure and open my pencil case to show him my sonic screwdriver replica. I turn it on.)

    Child: “IT’S REAL!”

    (Let’s say we both made each other’s day.)

    Think They Can Read You Like A Book

    | Milford, MI, USA | Books & Reading

    (I’m in the third grade. I’m the quiet, bookish sort and I always have a book on me. While my classmates are still on picture books, I have long since picked up short chapter books. I have a brand new one to read for our silent reading time. Because it is new, I don’t want to keep it in my messy desk where it might get damaged. I keep it in my book bag for the morning and get it out on my way in from recess. We aren’t allowed to go to our bags at any other time during the school day. When silent reading is over I put the book at the corner of my desk, out of the way, and get my workbook out like I am supposed to.)

    Teacher: “[Name], please put your book in your desk.”

    Me: “I don’t want it to get damaged and my desk is messy. Can I go put it back in my bag?”

    Teacher: “No. Put it in your desk. This isn’t reading time.”

    Me: “I know it’s not. I just don’t want to damage my new book.”

    Teacher: “Put it in your desk right now or I’m taking it!”

    (I move a bunch of things to make a semi-safe spot for the book.)

    Teacher: “[Name]! This is not desk cleaning time, either!”

    Me: “I know. I’m just making room for the book.”

    Teacher: “If you don’t stop mouthing off and disobeying I’m calling your mother!”

    (Trying not to cry, I got back to work. When I go home that afternoon, I discovered that my teacher had called my mom and told her that I had been reading when I wasn’t supposed to and had repeatedly refused to stop and put my book away. Because my mom never believed a word I said over an adult’s, my new book was taken and I was forced to read from the class library (all picture books) for the remainder of the school year.)

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