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    It’s Hard In Any Direction

    | USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque, Students

    (I’m working on social studies vocabulary with a group of students.)

    Me: “North, south, east, and west are the…”

    Student: “Carnal erections!”

    Me: “Okay…” *writes out the words* “CARDinal DIRections. Please, make sure you say all the letters in the words.”

    On The Chopping Block Over Chopsticks

    | Canada | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Teachers

    (When I was in grade five, I was obsessed with learning as much as possible about all of Asia. One day, to surprise me, my mom decides to pack my lunch, and, when I open it, I find sushi, spring rolls, mango salad, dumplings, and a thermos of green tea, and, even better, my mom has packed in a pair of chopsticks. The only problem is, because the packaging is so big I need to bring two bags, but I don’t care. So, it’s lunchtime. I’m unpacking my food and I’m about to eat when a teacher, who I’m convinced has an issue with me, comes over.)

    Teacher: “And what do we have here?”

    Me: “It’s a special lunch.”

    Teacher: “Well, I don’t see why you need two lunch bags. Pick one, and the other one can go into your backpack.”

    Me: “But… I have food in both of them…”

    Teacher: “Choose!”

    (After hesitation, I unload one bag, put it in my bag, and get back to my meal. I pull out my chopsticks and I’m about to start eating, when the teacher comes running over.)

    Teacher: “Excuse me!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am?”

    Teacher: “This isn’t China! Here in Canada you eat with a fork!”

    Me: “But… I didn’t bring a fork.”

    Teacher: “Don’t lie! Now, I’m going to do another round, and when I come back, you’d better put those away and have a fork, otherwise you’ll be in big trouble.”

    (She leaves and I start crying.)

    Me: “I’m going to be in so much trouble!”

    Friend: “It’s going to be okay. Eating with chopsticks isn’t illegal. There isn’t even a rule!”

    (I nod, and go back to eating. Five minutes later, the teacher comes back.)

    Teacher: “[My Name]! Office! I told you to use a fork!”

    Me: “But I don’t have a for—”

    Teacher: “Office! Pack up your lunch and go to the office!”

    (Crying uncontrollably, I pack up and head to the office, and the teacher comes with me. When the principal comes out, she looks at me confused.)

    Principal: “[Teacher], is there a problem?”

    Teacher: “Yes! [My Name] has been very disrespectful to me!”

    Principal: “How so?”

    Teacher: “She refused to listen to me!”

    Me: *crying again* “I was just eating my lunch.”

    Teacher: “Tell her the whole story!”

    Me: “Well, I didn’t know you had a rule about eating with chopsticks. Or about bringing more than one lunch bag. If I knew that, I would have brought a fork instead of these.” *pulls out chopsticks to show her*

    Principal: “Oh, what beautiful chopsticks! I’ve never seen anything like them, especially the yin and the yang on each one! [Teacher], we don’t have a rule about chopsticks!”

    Teacher: *going red* “You don’t?”

    Principal: “No, we don’t. Nor do we have a limit on how many lunch bags someone can bring. Now, [My Name], you can—”

    (Bell rings.)

    Teacher: “Well, bye!” *runs out*

    Principal: “You can finish your lunch before you go to class. I’ll give you permission.”

    (Not long after that, the teacher was fired. My friends and I joke that it was because she struck a student for bringing in a durian.)

    Only One Of Those Things Is True

    | CA, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Musical Mayhem, Theme Of The Month

    (I work as a teacher’s aide at an elementary school. I normally work with upper graders, but a few days a week I have recess duty on the kindergarten playground. This story takes place one of the days I am on the kindergarten playground.)

    Kindergartner: *pointing at me* “You’re married!”

    Me: “I am?”

    (Note: I am not married. I am not in the habit of wearing rings, either.)

    Kindergartner: “You have a husband!”

    Me: “I do? Why didn’t I know this?”

    Kindergartner: “Justin Bieber is gay!”

    (I am stunned into silent confusion as she ran off to play some more.)

    Teaching Life Lessons

    | CA, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Family & Kids, Theme Of The Month

    (I am an aide at an elementary school, and I sometimes have recess duty during primary recess. One of the third graders comes up to me and talks to me like she usually does. She likes to ask me what I want to be when I grow up… but today it’s a little different.)

    Third Grader: “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

    (I am about to answer ‘author’ like usual, but she keeps talking.)

    Third Grader: “And more than an author.”

    Me: “Oh, well, there’s not much more I want to be than author! Except maybe a millionaire so I can buy a nice house.”

    Third Grader: “Then why are you teaching?”

    A Hole New Way Of Spelling

    , | Jeffco, CO, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque, Students

    (A six-year-old girl comes up to the playground teacher.)

    Girl: “That boy called me a bad name!”

    Teacher: “What did he call you?”

    Girl: “He called me the S-word!”

    (The teacher and I look at each other a moment.)

    Teacher: “What’s the S-word?”

    Girl: “I can’t say it. It’s too bad!”

    Teacher: “Whisper to me then.”

    (Girl stands tippy-toe and whispers in Teacher’s ear, then trots away. Teacher turns to me with an odd look on her face.)

    Me: “What was the word?”

    Teacher: “S-hole!”

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