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    Meaty Puns

    | Ingleside, TX, USA | Language & Words, Teachers

    (We are learning about food words in my Spanish class.)

    Teacher: “So carne is the Spanish word for meat. Christians would give up something for Lent usually meat. And when Lent was over the had a get-together which they called…?”

    Class: “Carnival!”

    Me: “I guess you could say the had a huge… MEATING!”

    Class: *laughs and groans simultaneously*

    A Dishonorable Attitude

    | USA | Bigotry, Teachers

    (Being an honors student, I’m in advanced classes that usually aren’t very large. and the classes mostly have the same group of kids who take honors courses. In English, we’re going over a scene from a book.)

    Teacher: “Okay, I’ll need some volunteers to act this out.”

    Male Student #1: “I’ll be [Male Character]!”

    Male Student #2: “Can I be [Female Character]?”

    Teacher: “Sure. Go ahead, guys.”

    (They proceed to act out the scene, which is a dialogue between a couple who are fighting with each other. Nobody bats an eye. Next period, our little group heads over to Spanish class, where we’re reading a short legend from a Spanish culture.)

    Teacher: *in Spanish* “So, we’re going to be doing this as a skit. Who would like to participate?”

    Male Student #3: “I’ll be [Hero].”

    Male Student #4: “I’ll be [Damsel in Distress].”

    Teacher: “What?! You can’t be [Damsel in Distress]! You’re a boy. Now, which girls in here would like to act?”

    (Nobody volunteers, so she points to a notoriously ditzy girl who can’t act to save her life.)

    Teacher: “[Girl], you do it. You’re best for the part.”

    Entire Class: *bursts out laughing*

    (The teacher kept insisting a boy couldn’t play a girl’s part, which only made the whole thing funnier. Needless to say, Male Student #2 wasn’t impressed.)

    Up To Your Neck In Stupidity

    | KS, USA | Extra Stupid, Health & Body

    (I’m taking a basic first aid course as an elective in middle school. The teacher is explaining tourniquets.)

    Teacher: “You want to apply the tourniquet above the wound to cut off the blood supply to the wound and stop blood loss. For example, if the injury is to the foot, you could apply it to the calf, or if it’s on the forearm, you could apply it above the elbow. However, you want to be careful to…”

    Student: “What if it’s on the head?”

    Teacher: “What, the wound? Well, then you would first see if the victim is conscious and see if anything is sticking out of the head or if the skull is damaged. If not you’ll want to try to ebb the blood loss with pressure to the head with some cloth or gauze…”

    Student: “So you wouldn’t use a tourniquet in that case?”

    Teacher: “…”

    Student: “Like, around the neck or something?”

    Teacher: “No, it’s generally not a good idea to apply a tourniquet around the neck.”

    A Deranged Exchange

    | Aichi, Japan | Bad Behavior, Language & Words, Students

    (I am an ESL high school teacher in Japan. One of the schools I teach at is getting a group of American exchange students for a month. I think nothing of it, until the morning of their first class, when I am sitting at my desk in the office, preparing for my own classes later in the day. My coworker approaches me, and says in Japanese:)

    Coworker: “Excuse me? We need you to come to [Classroom].”

    Me: “What? Why?” *getting up to follow him*

    Coworker: “You need to speak with the exchange students.”

    Me: “Oh? They were going to come to “English Club” later on this week; I thought I would meet them then?”

    Coworker: “No, you need to speak with them now.”

    Me: “What’s happened? Why?”

    (Arriving at the classroom in question, I am surprised to see two of the exchange students lounging about at the back of the classroom. They’re both girls, but one of them is wearing the boy’s uniform, and the other a pair large cat ears on a headband. The rest of the class has not-so-subtly moved away from them. I switch to English to speak with the girls.)

    Me: “Uh, hello. Welcome to [School]. It seems as if you picked up the wrong uniform—”

    Student #1: “No, she didn’t!”

    Student #2: “Yeah! I got the boy uniform on purpose! I want to be just like [Character] from [Anime]!”

    Student #1: *in broken Japanese* “I like porn!”

    Student #2: *also in broken Japanese* “Porn is number one! Gay porn!”

    Me: “Woah! Woahh! You can’t say that in the classroom! That’s inappropriate!”

    Student #2: *giggling* “Why? No one ever understands.”

    Me: “You’re in Japan now. EVERYONE understands.”

    Student #1: “Then why won’t they listen to us? We tried to get [Male Japanese Student #1] and [Male Japanese Student #2] to make out with each other for us, but they wouldn’t.”

    Student #2: “They look JUST like [two characters from an adult-oriented comic book].”

    Student #1: “We ship them.” *nodding*

    Me: “That’s… These are real people. You can’t ship them, and you REALLY can’t force them to make out with one another.”

    Student #2: *in broken Japanese again* “STUPID! Stupid-stupid Ms.Teacher!”

    Student #1: “Of course we can! It’s JAPAN!”

    (Needless to say, they were removed from general classes. I got to be their personal “Ms.Teacher” for the duration of their stay. What fun. At least the rest of their group was well behaved!)

    Very Hard Candy

    | UT, USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal, Students

    (As a kid I didn’t do too well in school, so when I was 15 and we moved I didn’t have enough credits to transfer to the local high school and had to go to the school for parolees.)

    Classmate: “Does anyone have any candy?”

    (I have a raging sweet tooth and always carry candy, which I love to share. I’ve never spoken to this guy before and most of my classmates have never heard my voice.)

    Me: “Yeah! What kind you like?”

    Classmate: “You sure?”

    Me: “Totally, I’ve got tons more at home. Want a [hard candy], or..?”

    Classmate: “Oh, uh, I meant drugs…”

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