Always Pick A Lie You Can Back Up (Or Just Don’t Lie)
I got a call from my old college one day soliciting me for donations. I told them I only donated money to GiveWell, but the person on the phone was rather persistent in trying to convince me that I should donate to the college. I was starting to consider hanging up on him when he changed tactics.
Man: “What did you study when you were here?”
Me: “Computer science.”
Man: “Oh, really? That’s what I’m taking. Any tips for me?”
Me: “I don’t know. What year are you?”
Man: “This is my second year.”
Me: “So, you would have had [Teacher], then?”
Man: “Oh, yes.”
Me: “Great! Any interesting stories about her?”
Man: “No, not really. Why?”
Me: “Because she was the most memorable teacher we had. I used to collect interesting [Teacher] stories from everyone who told me they graduated from [School], and they always had a few. Love her or hate her, you always remember her.”
Man: “Oh, yes, I know what you mean…”
Me: “You had her for discrete math?”
Man: “Yes.”
Me: “Have you learned about polymorphism or data races yet?”
Man: “Umm… no, we haven’t gotten there yet.”
Me: “Can you tell me what the differences between Java and JavaScript are?”
Man: “I just asked for tips. What’s with all the questions?”
Me: “Okay, you want a tip? How about this? [Teacher] never taught discrete math and was transferred to the math department the year I graduated. Polymorphism is taught to first-year computer science majors, and Java and JavaScript have almost nothing in common besides their names, which is something I knew before even starting college. You’ve utterly failed to convince me that you are a computer science major, but you have convinced me you are definitely not an acting major because your lies were all terribly forced and blatantly obvious, even to someone like me. Also, if you want someone to believe you’re a computer science major, don’t act confused when you’re told the most basic of geeky jokes like at the start of our call.”
Man: “I’m sorry if…”
Me: “Another tip: trying to make me nostalgic for my college years will not make me waste my money by giving it to you rather than an efficient charity, and lying to me will especially not help. Remove me from your contact list, please.”
I hung up on him after that, though I’m curious if he still kept using the “I’m in your major so let’s be buddies” approach with anyone else. I almost hope he did; he was so obviously false when he said it that I imagine he would get called out on it more often than not. It would be fun to see how others responded to such blatant lies.