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That’s What It Means, If It Pleases You

| UK | Language & Words

(My daughter comes in from school one afternoon and mentions that her teacher has been teaching them some French. I’m initially quite happy about this — but then I get to hear *how* the teacher has been ‘teaching’ them.)

Daughter: “Commehnt tuh appelle too?”

Me: “Not quite; it’s ‘comment t’appelle tu’.”

Daughter: “But Miss told us to pronounce it the way I did.”

Me: “I suspect Miss doesn’t actually speak French, then.”

(A week or so later:)

Daughter: “Miss says that “s’il vous plait” means ‘can I have’.”

Me: “Yeah, I think we’ve definitely established that Miss doesn’t speak French.”

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That’s The Way The Christmas Cookie Crumbles

| Australia | Food & Drink, Holidays, Staff

(I work IT for two schools. At this one, I work out of the staffroom as the school is small and I’m only there once a week. It’s the end of year and Christmas; as such there are lots of goodies being prepared for morning tea that I can’t touch yet.)

Coworker: “Oh, this cake looks good. It must be hard not being able to eat it for an hour.”

Me: *looking up from my laptop and using my best sad voice* “I didn’t even realise that was there until now…”

Coworker: “Oh. Well, I’ll just block your view with these biscuits.”

Me: *more sadly* “I didn’t even realise THOSE were there!”

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Needed It To Be Presented In Widescreen

| Eindhoven, The Netherlands | Non-Dialogue, Teachers, Technology

I work IT at a primary school. There’s one teacher who is an absolute disaster with computers. In the five years I’ve worked there she has ruined a lot of desktops and laptops by spilling coffee over them, letting them drop, covering ventilation holes with stickers, etc…

Finally I have enough and tell the school principal about how she handles expensive stuff. I have kept a log of all her “mishaps.”

The principal looks at my list but is not impressed. “Well, not everyone is as handy as you are with computers.”

I point out to him that until now the damage she has caused was over 3000 Euro. He doesn’t seem to care and he refuses to talk to the teacher to ask her to be a bit more careful.

A few weeks later I walk into the principal’s office, laughing my head off. He asks me what’s so funny.

I tell him that the clumsy teacher just managed to destroy a 84″ touch-screen television on a moveable lift. You’re supposed the set the lift to the lowest position before moving the television to prevent it from toppling over. Of course she “forgot” to do that, resulting in a 4000 Euro television crashing to the floor.

The principal stormed out of his office to finally have a word with the teacher.

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Well, Both Places Don’t Get A Lot Of Sunlight

| Leeds, England, UK | Bizarre/Silly, Rude & Risque

(I’m a teaching assistant working with 9- to 10-year-olds. The kids are working on stories meant to develop their use of adjectives and causal conjunctions (“because of,” “as a result of,” etc.), which involve writing about how fictional creatures went extinct. One of the girls asks me to check her work, so I pick up her workbook and start reading aloud from it.)

Me: “It is a well-known fact that vampires used to live on Uranus.”

(As this is an unusual opening statement even by the standards of their writing, I give her an appraising look. She looks me in the eye, face perfectly straight, and says…)

Student: “I’m not talking about the planet.”

(I immediately started corpsing and had to leave the room in order to laugh out loud. The delivery was absolutely killer.)

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Getting Sick Of Not Being Believed

| Australia | Health & Body, Ignoring/Inattentive, Teachers

(The class’s normal teacher is away so there is a relief teacher. My friend is feeling sick and goes up to the relief.)

Friend: “I don’t feel well; may I go to the office?”

Teacher: “No, go sit down.”

Friend: “But I feel like I’m going to throw up!”

Teacher: “I don’t care; go sit down.”

(My friend walks back to her seat and starts doing work but looks very sick. She suddenly goes pale and holds her stomach, she goes up to the teacher again.)

Friend: “I think I’m about to throw up! Please, can I at least go outside?”

Teacher: “I told you no. Nothing is wrong with you!”

(A few students are looking up now, and muttering to themselves.)

Teacher: “Everyone get back to work!”

(My friend suddenly pitches forward and throws up in the bin next to the teacher.)

Teacher: “Ugh! Why didn’t you tell me you were going to be sick? Go to the office.”

(My friend went home and the next day she told me she wished she had thrown up on the teacher.)

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