Can’t Take It “Back”

| Washington, DC, USA | Bad Behavior, Language & Words, Teachers

(I’m a teacher. Last year my classroom was a staff development/teacher workroom. It is the second week of school and most of the staff have realized that meetings are now held elsewhere. Today there is a substitute in the building who had been a long-term sub at the school for the past two years. He wasn’t hired as a full-time teacher because he didn’t have his license and the majority of staff can’t stand him. There’s a meeting scheduled in the media center.)

Sub: *throws open the door to my classroom* “I’m back, b****es!”

(He quickly closed the door and hurried off, but the damage was done. I emailed my admin, but my school is known as a “rough” school and it’s hard to get substitutes, so they refused to take disciplinary action against him. My students’ new favorite phrase is “I’m back, b****es!” Thanks, dude.)

Pixar’s Latest Project

| El Paso, TX, USA | Books & Reading, Crazy Requests

(My mother works as a librarian at an elementary/middle school. She has a large amount of busy work to do lately, so I volunteer my free time to help her. I am working at the front desk next to my mother when I overhear this conversation with a student who looks about ten years old.)

Student: “Excuse me, do you have any Toy Story books?”

Mom:Toy Story? No, I’m sorry. I don’t have any Toy Story books.”

Student: “Are you sure? It seems strange that you wouldn’t.”

Mom: “I’m sure, honey. I don’t have books about that.”

Student: “It’s just that it’s supposed to be really important.”

(At this point, my mom gets up to help him look and find something else to read. I figure it’s just a kid more interested in cartoons than regular books, but then it occurs to me…)

Mom: *coming back* “Sorry we couldn’t find it. Something must have happened to my copy.” *Student leaves*

Me: “Wait, was he saying Tolstoy?”

Mom: “Yeah.”

Me: “Like, Leo Tolstoy? War and Peace Tolstoy?!

Mom: “Yep, apparently he’d been reading it on his phone during summer break and now wanted a physical copy for school.”

Me: *stunned*

M&M&A!

| Fairborn, OH, USA | Food & Drink, Students

(I am placed in an advanced English class. I do well, but due to an undiagnosed attention disorder, I forget to turn in assignments, so I get a ‘C’ grade in the class. In the fourth quarter, my teacher pulls me aside to talk about my grades.)

Teacher: “[My Name], please try to remember the extra credit. I really want you to get a ‘B’ so you can take French next year, like you want.”

Me: “Yes, Mrs. [Teacher]. I’ll try to remember.”

Teacher: “Good.”

(Later, she is talking about the extra credit assignments for the unit.)

Teacher: “Now as you can see, these are simple assignments. The only thing simpler is trying to bribe me with candy!”

(Somehow, I take this to heart and go home to tell my parents that I’ll get extra credit for candy. The next day, I bring in five giant bags of M&Ms, placing them on my teacher’s desk.)

Teacher: “What is this?”

Me: “You mentioned bribing you for extra credit, so…”

Teacher: “I’ll see what I can do.”

(Sure enough, my grade jumped from a ‘C’ to an ‘A’. When I visited her the year she retired, she told me about the giant candy bar she made from the M&Ms I brought in! I’ve since never bribed a teacher for a passing grade.)

Give Them Some Math And They’ll Run A Mile

| CA, USA | Bad Behavior, Sports, Teachers

(Our math teacher is a funny person, but gets serious when he wants to.)

Teacher: “So what is the answer to this problem?”

(Students raise their hands.)

Student: *known for being loud, and, quite frankly, a little annoyingly dumb* “I got [wrong answer].”

Teacher: “No, it’s not supposed to be that way. Remember, when I tell you to do something it doesn’t always mean you just do it.”

Student: “Yes, it does. You are the teacher.”

Teacher: “Well, then, let’s all go run a mile.”

(Everyone groans.)

Student: “But that’s not what I meant!”

Teacher: “Go run a lap anyway.”

(He takes us outside and starts eating candy while we run. He also manages to drain a bottle of soda while we sprint.)

Student: “You are evil.”

Teacher: “I know. It’s so awesome.”

A Needling Problem

| USA | Bizarre/Silly, Health & Body, Students

(My home-ec teacher told us about a student she had. This takes place during the sewing unit, in which we use machines.)

Student: “Ms. [Teacher]? Can you come over here?”

Teacher: “Sure, what’s going on?”

Student: *extremely calmly* “There’s a needle in my finger.”

(Best way to teach us to be careful.)

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