How To Fail Before The Exam

| Australia | Hotels & Lodging, Students

(I live in a student residence at university. Many of the university buildings are undergoing maintenance, so our function hall has been pressed into service as a venue for final examinations. The layout of our residence can be confusing, so there are signs up everywhere saying ‘Residents only beyond this point’ and directing visitors to the room where the exams are being held. I am walking along the main thoroughfare, just past the turn-off to the exam room. A visitor is walking just behind me.)

Visitor: “Hey! Hey you! Are you thick or something?”

Me: *turning around* “What seems to be the problem?”

Visitor: “I can’t believe how dumb you young people are! Do you actually need us mature-age students to point out every f****** thing you do wrong?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but what—”

Visitor: *pointing to a ‘Residents only’ sign* “Read the f****** sign! The exam venue is that way, you f******* idiot!”

Me: “I think you misunderstand, I—”

Visitor: “Can’t f****** read? Yeah I noticed. I hope you’re late for your exam!”

(The visitor actually IS going to make me late for my own exam, and I’m getting tired of the abuse, so I pull out my keys.)

Me: “Now look here lady. See this key? See the insignia of [residential facility] stamped on it? I LIVE HERE. I have every right to walk past this sign, and if you continue to abuse me I will walk into that office right there and ask security to remove you from the site. Assuming you actually want to complete the exam you came here for, I think you’ll find it started five minutes ago.”

Visitor: *turning pale* “F*** you!”

(The visitor throws a notebook at me, and then SPRINTS in the direction of the exam room.)

When Teachers Fool Around

| Canada | Rude & Risque, Teachers, Top

(I am in my first week of grade 10 science, when my teacher picks up a stack of pop quizzes.)

Teacher: “Okay, so every week we’ll do a quick 10-question quiz about what we’ve just covered. I used to call these ‘Quickies.'”

(Several students chuckle.)

Teacher: “… but the principal has informed me that I’m not allowed to do that any more, since it sounds sexual. So from now on, I’ll be calling them ‘Testes.'”

Brain Is On Standby Mode

| Pennsylvania, USA | Extra Stupid, Students

PA System: “Your attention please: the library will be closing in five minutes.  Please return all materials and head to the nearest exit.”

Patron: “The library is closing? But…where will I go to study?”

Me: *astonished silence*

Patron: “I need to study.”

Me: “…You could go to your residence?”

Patron: “But if I do that, I won’t study because there is internet and TV.”

Me: “You could always not turn on the TV or your computer.”

Patron: “Oh, I never thought of that. Thanks! You’re real smart! No wonder you work with all those books.”

So Much For Multiple Points Of View

| Ontario, Canada | Art/Design, Students, Teachers

Professor: “So all-in-all, while I don’t expect or ask you to like the concept of cubism, you are going to need to appreciate and enjoy what marvelous changes it has wrought.”

Classmate: “Can we appreciate the fact that cubism occurred and had a strong effect while still disliking what it produced?”

Professor: “NO! You have to like that!”

Not Gonna Ace This Class

| Portland, OR, USA | Food & Drink, History, Students, Teachers

(We are studying the First World War, and the teacher just finished a lecture on Manfred von Richthofen, the Red Baron.)

Teacher: “Now, are there any questions?”

Classmate: *raises hand*

Teacher: “Yes, [classmate]?”

Classmate: “Was the Red Baron Italian?”

Teacher: “…no, he was German. I was just telling you—”

Classmate: “Oh. But pizza is Italian, and you can buy pizza called Red Baron!”