Do Juneau How Stupid You Sound

| USA | Geography, Students, Teachers

(We are learning the names of countries and states in French. The teacher pulls down a large map of North America and begins lecture.)

Student: “Wait, where’s Alaska?”

Teacher: “What?”

Student: “Alaska!”

(The teacher points to Alaska. This particular map is large enough that it has Alaska in its proper place above Canada, as opposed to in a box separately.)

Student: “But Alaska is an island!”

(Everyone is confused and silent.)

Student: “Next to Hawaii! Haven’t you ever seen a map of the United States?”

(It dawns on us that many maps have Alaska next to Hawaii on a corner of the map to save space.)

Class: “You thought Alaska was an ISLAND?”

The Slow And The Delirious

| USA | Students, Top, Transportation

(For my film class,. we are analyzing Asian films—specifically drag racing/action films. Note: our group consists of four boys, and one female.)

Group Member #1: “What the h*** is that loud squeaking noise?”

(The mechanic smugly opens his mouth to answer, but before he can say anything, somebody else speaks.)

Female Member: “It’s just the compression brakes on the car.”

(The mechanic in our group snatches the remote and pauses the movie.)

Mechanic Member: “How the f*** you know that?”

Female Member: “I read.”

Mechanic Member: “But… you’re a girl!”

(Myself and the other two guys inch away from him.)

Female Member: “And?”

Mechanic Member: “So, you ain’t supposed to know stuff about cars!”

Female Member: “You do realize you’re throwing a fit over something trivial, right? I mean who cares what extra knowledge I have or why?”

Mechanic Member: “Because, if you women actually know stuff about cars it makes it harder for mechanics when you bring your cars in!”

Female Member: “So you’re mad because if I brought you my car, you wouldn’t be able to lie to me about what’s wrong with it?”

Mechanic Member: “Yes!”

Me: *to mechanic* “I know you gave me your business card earlier, but now I’m definitely going somewhere else.”

Group Members #1 & #2: “Me too.”

Mechanic Member: “Aw that ain’t fair! You’re takin’ business away from me! I’m a MAN! I deserve it!”

Female Member: “So you think you’re entitled to lie to your customers and engage in dishonest business practices, and you’re angry that you ruined it for yourself?”

Mechanic Member: “F*** you! It’s all your fault! You shouldn’t know stuff about cars!”

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This Generation Is Out Of Touch

| CA, USA | Students, Teachers, Top

(I work in a fairly affluent county, so the kids at the school I work at have just gotten iPads to use for research. I am not a big fan.)

Student #1: “Miss [my name], do you like the iPads?”

Me: “No, not really. I guess I just like books or even using our computers more.”

Student #2: “iPads are awesome! I have one!”

Student #3: “Yeah, we have 3 at my house, and I have a laptop!”

Me: “Seriously? I didn’t have a laptop until college, and that was only because I knew I would need it for homework.”

(The students react as if I had just told them that the world was ending.)

Student #1: “Oh my god. How did you survive?”

Me: “When I was a kid, we had a magical place of wonder and fun where we could play and pretend to be whatever and wherever we wanted.”

(The kids wait eagerly for me to tell them about this magical place.)

Me: “It’s called OUTSIDE.”

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Make Like A Tree And Leaf

| USA | Staff, Students

(I work at a pre-school and I’m finishing up with a student in the bathroom. As we walk down the hall back to the classroom, he spots a leaf on the ground.)

Student: “Hey, Miss [my name]! What’s that leaf doing inside?”

Me: “Oh, it might have blown inside through the door or it might have been on someone’s shoe.”

Student: *marches over and picks up leaf* “Hey, leaf! What are you doing inside? You don’t belong here! Go back outside! Go home!”

Let’s Not Make A Tissue Of This

| New Zealand | Rude & Risque, Staff, Students

Me: “Welcome to [university]. You’re speaking with [my name]. How can I help?”

Caller: “Hey, can I speak to the, um, uh, English department?”

Me: “A lot of our tutors are on holidays right now, so they aren’t in their offices. Is there anything I can help with?”

Caller: “Oh yeah, I was doing a course with you guys but didn’t get to finish it because I got caught watching porn on the computers there.”

Me: “… Okay.”

Caller: “But it’s alright though because I’ve got a computer at home now. Can I come back and finish my course?”

Me: “I’ll send an email through to them for you and ask them to contact you when they are back in office next week. What are your contact details?”

(The caller gives me his contact details.)

Me: “Okay, I’ll send this through now for you. They’ll be in contact with you early next week. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Caller: “No, that’s it.”

Me: “Thank you for calling. Have a lovely day!”

Caller: “I will. I’m off to use my computer now. Bye!”