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We Didn’t Start The Fire, It Was Always Burning…

| USA | Bizarre/Silly, Musical Mayhem, Popular

(Every time the fire alarm goes off, there is a group of kids in my engineering class who always start singing whatever fire-related songs they can come up with.)

Student #1: “If the school was actually on fire, this would probably be a lot less organized.”

Student #2: “I would just be singing ‘Just gonna stand there and watch me burn…’”

Student #3: “I bet [My Name] would be there singing ‘This girl is on fiiiire!’”

(Note that Student #3 is the only female student in the class. I walk by when I hear her say this.)

Me: *disappointed voice* “You REALLY think I would sing that if the school was on fire?”

Student #3: “Um… maybe?”

Me: “No. Maybe if YOU were on fire, I’d sing that song. If it was just the school, I’d go with: ‘Burn, baby, burn. DISCO INFERNO!’”

Student #2: “[My Name] wins!”

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Ball-Spark

| TX, USA | Bad Behavior, Popular, Sports, Students

(I work as a security contractor at a major university, providing security services wherever they need me. This includes sporting events like baseball and football games. Students at the university are allowed to go to these events for free but only if they have their ID. Because the students here have a reputation for awful behavior, the university has imposed some pretty strict and sometimes odd rules that students have to follow at these events. I have the following conversation at least twice at every event but this is the first time someone has reacted like this. On this particular day I am training a new coworker.)

Student: *walks towards me at the gate on his way out of the ballpark*

Me: “If you’re coming back, sir, I will need to scan your ticket out.”

Student: *stops in front of me* “I’m a student, so I don’t have a ticket.”

Me: “You can leave but I can’t let you back in unless you buy a ticket.”

(It’s at this point I notice that he smells of alcohol.)

Student: “What?! That’s stupid.”

Me: “That’s the univ—”

Student: “Who do I need to talk to get that changed?”

Me: “It’s [School]’s rule, not ours; I just have to enforce it.”

Student: “Who do I need to get with to have this changed!?”

Me: “Talk to the athletic department. They are in charge of all this.”

Student: “Why do you let everyone else go in and out!?”

Me: “They bought tickets, sir.”

Student: *gets in my face* “My tuition pays for my ticket, SIR!” *gives me a small push*

Me: *grabs radio mic, about to call a university PD officer*

New Coworker: “Look, we aren’t going to fight with you here; it’s the universities rule, not ours. We don’t like it any more than you do but we have to enforce it. If it’s really that big a deal the box office is right there. Maybe they can help you.”

Student: “Oh, I’m not trying to start fight; we are just talking.”

(The student storms off back into the stands but not before giving me one last dirty look.)

New Coworker: “Were you about to call an officer?”

Me: “That’s how we are supposed to deal with problem students, especially if you smell alcohol on them.”

New Coworker: “I am so sorry. I had no idea; I was just trying to defuse him. What would they have done?”

Me: “He would have been escorted off the premises and if he kept causing trouble the officer could have him barred from the park. It’s my fault. I hadn’t gotten to that part in your training yet. Don’t worry about it.”

(After the game ends the student is on his way back out through my gate even though there are two others wide open he could have left through that were much closer to his seat.)

Student: *elbow checks me on his way by* “Come up with a better line next time, d*****bag.” *walks off*

New Coworker: “Seriously? And people wonder why they are so strict on students at these things.”

Me: “They don’t realize that not all universities give students these perks. It’s a privilege and they love to abuse it because they think they are special. We won’t be seeing him again, though.”

New Coworker: “Why is that?”

Me: *bends down and picks up wallet* “He dropped this when he checked me, and it has his student ID inside. I think our officers will be very interested in his behavior today.”

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A New Pizza History

| GA, USA | Extra Stupid, Games, Geography, History, Popular

(We are playing a history version of Taboo to help us study for our final exam. The word was Normandy. We couldn’t say France to describe the word.)

Me: “It’s in the country where the Eiffel tower is.”

Student: “ITALY!”

Me: “No, that’s where the leaning tower in Pizza is.”

Student: “No, that’s in France. You know, where Normandy is.”

Teacher: “I’m going to count that while we are ahead.”