Category: Teachers

Can’t Take It “Back”

| Washington, DC, USA | Bad Behavior, Language & Words, Teachers

(I’m a teacher. Last year my classroom was a staff development/teacher workroom. It is the second week of school and most of the staff have realized that meetings are now held elsewhere. Today there is a substitute in the building who had been a long-term sub at the school for the past two years. He wasn’t hired as a full-time teacher because he didn’t have his license and the majority of staff can’t stand him. There’s a meeting scheduled in the media center.)

Sub: *throws open the door to my classroom* “I’m back, b****es!”

(He quickly closed the door and hurried off, but the damage was done. I emailed my admin, but my school is known as a “rough” school and it’s hard to get substitutes, so they refused to take disciplinary action against him. My students’ new favorite phrase is “I’m back, b****es!” Thanks, dude.)

The Anatomy Of A Beep

| UK | Bad Behavior, Teachers

(Our chemistry teacher is fairly strict, but is well liked as he’s a good teacher with a good, dry sense of humour. Today we are in the computer room. These computers make an obnoxious beeping sound if the tab key is pressed too many times. Many of the pupils are deliberately making this noise.)

Student: *knowing what the noise is but feigning ignorance* “Sir, what’s that beeping noise?”

Teacher: “It is the sound of people with incredibly small penises.”

(The beeping immediately stopped.)

That Sure Beats Tennis Elbow

| Health & Body, Sports, Teachers

(I’m in seventh grade. My best friend is actually very fit and a good athlete, but very lazy, and she’s always trying to come up with ways for us to get out of gym class so we can hang out on the bleachers. Our teacher essentially knows all her tricks and is rarely fooled. One day, we are told that we will be having a substitute gym teacher, and she comes up with a plan.)

Friend: “Okay, so he doesn’t know me, so we need to do a stuffy voice and he’ll let us off.”

Me: “A what?”

Friend: “A stuffy voice! You know. Follow me.” *walks up to new sub and begins speaking as if her nose is clogged* “Are you by stubstidute?”

Substitute: *not even looking up from his clipboard* “Nice try. It’s just tennis practice, ladies.”

(Annoyed, my friend goes to take her place with the rest of the class and I follow. The substitute comes out with a tennis racket and a ball.)

Substitute: “I know a lot of you find gym class really boring or intimidating, but it doesn’t have to be! There’s no reason to try to get out of it. There is literally nothing scary about any of it. Especially tennis.”

(To illustrate his point, he tosses the ball, then bounces up on his feet to hit it towards the wall… right before screaming like he’s been shot and crumpling to the ground. We run for another teacher, who calls an ambulance, and later during homeroom we are told his Achilles’s tendon had snapped.)

Friend: *turning towards me, white-faced* “You know, if he really WAS trying to show us how harmless and not-scary gym class is, he failed big time.”

(Don’t worry, he was okay, but he wore a boot and spent the rest of the year behind a desk teaching another homeroom class!)

It’s The Archimedes Principle Of The Thing

| USA | Awesome, History, Teachers

(My seventh grade Social Studies teacher is known best for two things: his wacky, offbeat sense of humor and his equally wacky ties. He has a gift for getting students interested in learning history, too.)

Teacher: “Okay! Who here knows the story of the first recorded streaker in history?”

(And that is how you get twelve-year-olds interested in Archimedes.)

The Great Escape: The Ballet

| Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Language & Words, Teachers

(The teacher is rather strict about not joking around in class even though we’re all adults. “Echappé” is where you jump from feet together to land with feet apart.)

Teacher: “And what does echappé mean?”

Me: “To escape.”

Teacher: “And what are we escaping from?”

Me: “You.”

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