Category: Sports

That Was Swimmingly Obvious

| The Netherlands | Language & Words, Rude & Risque, Sports

(I am a volunteer at the swimming club, where I teach the kids who already have their basic diplomas more advanced things, like butterfly stroke or handling a water polo ball. This is the first time we’ll be using water polo balls, so I always cover the safety rules, just in case. The ages vary between 6 and 12. The kids know I tend to be either silly or sarcastic and they are used to my expressions. I always tell them to think for themselves.)

Me: “When we go into the water, we will not be holding the ball.”

Kid #1: “Can we dive in?”

Me: “Do you want me to take your teeth out for you, or will you let the ball do that?” *kids laugh* “Nah, for obvious reasons, we do not dive in with balls!”

Kid #2: *with a wicked grin* “So, how do boys do that?”

Me: “…You win that one.”

The Beautiful Game Of Karma

| Wiltshire, England, UK | Sports, Students

(I, like my art teacher, am an Arsenal fan. We are recovering from a 5-1 loss to Bayern Munich.)

Classmate: “Hey, [My Name], do these four names mean anything to you?” *proceeds to name the four Bayern Munich scorers*

Me: “[Teacher], What does [Classmate] have to do to make you give him a detention?”

Teacher: “Just generally annoy me, I guess.”

Me: “[Classmate], care to repeat those four names?”

Classmate: “Erm… uhh…”

Being A Good Sport

| Victoria, BC, Canada | Math & Science, Sports, Teachers

(I attend a school which is about evenly split between sports stars and academic achievers, and I am solidly in the second camp. During a pep rally, which my friends and I all think is completely pointless, we hang out under the stairs, as far away from the gym as we can get, studying, talking, drawing, and so on. There we are discovered by the physics teacher, who’s been set to patrol the halls.)

Teacher: “Now, I KNOW you guys know the pep rally is mandatory. Your teacher for this period is supposed to make sure that you attend. So if you’re not there, then you’d be cutting class and I’d have to give you detention. But, of course, if you guys had a spare block, you wouldn’t have a teacher, and this would technically not be class time anyway. So — since I have to check — all of you have a spare block now, right?”

Us: “Oh, yes, of course, Mr. [Teacher]. Definitely. For sure.”

Teacher: “Good on ya, kids. Well, I’m off to catch some delinquents who don’t have a completely valid excuse not to attend a ridiculous exercise in posturing and quote-unquote ‘school spirit.’ Study hard, now! Bye!”

That Sure Beats Tennis Elbow

| Health & Body, Sports, Teachers

(I’m in seventh grade. My best friend is actually very fit and a good athlete, but very lazy, and she’s always trying to come up with ways for us to get out of gym class so we can hang out on the bleachers. Our teacher essentially knows all her tricks and is rarely fooled. One day, we are told that we will be having a substitute gym teacher, and she comes up with a plan.)

Friend: “Okay, so he doesn’t know me, so we need to do a stuffy voice and he’ll let us off.”

Me: “A what?”

Friend: “A stuffy voice! You know. Follow me.” *walks up to new sub and begins speaking as if her nose is clogged* “Are you by stubstidute?”

Substitute: *not even looking up from his clipboard* “Nice try. It’s just tennis practice, ladies.”

(Annoyed, my friend goes to take her place with the rest of the class and I follow. The substitute comes out with a tennis racket and a ball.)

Substitute: “I know a lot of you find gym class really boring or intimidating, but it doesn’t have to be! There’s no reason to try to get out of it. There is literally nothing scary about any of it. Especially tennis.”

(To illustrate his point, he tosses the ball, then bounces up on his feet to hit it towards the wall… right before screaming like he’s been shot and crumpling to the ground. We run for another teacher, who calls an ambulance, and later during homeroom we are told his Achilles’s tendon had snapped.)

Friend: *turning towards me, white-faced* “You know, if he really WAS trying to show us how harmless and not-scary gym class is, he failed big time.”

(Don’t worry, he was okay, but he wore a boot and spent the rest of the year behind a desk teaching another homeroom class!)

Give Them Some Math And They’ll Run A Mile

| CA, USA | Bad Behavior, Sports, Teachers

(Our math teacher is a funny person, but gets serious when he wants to.)

Teacher: “So what is the answer to this problem?”

(Students raise their hands.)

Student: *known for being loud, and, quite frankly, a little annoyingly dumb* “I got [wrong answer].”

Teacher: “No, it’s not supposed to be that way. Remember, when I tell you to do something it doesn’t always mean you just do it.”

Student: “Yes, it does. You are the teacher.”

Teacher: “Well, then, let’s all go run a mile.”

(Everyone groans.)

Student: “But that’s not what I meant!”

Teacher: “Go run a lap anyway.”

(He takes us outside and starts eating candy while we run. He also manages to drain a bottle of soda while we sprint.)

Student: “You are evil.”

Teacher: “I know. It’s so awesome.”

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