Category: Religion

System 666 Error

| Escondido, CA, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Religion, Technology

(My school’s robotics team is getting ready to attend a demo at one of our sponsors, BAE Systems. We are testing out our robots before we pack them up. One of our mentors enables the robot and picks up the joystick. I do not usually drive the robots, especially this robot, which has a different wheel base.)

Mentor: “Woah, there’s a serious delay! That’s not good…”

Me: “Here, can I try?”

(The second she hands me the joystick, the robot starts to twitch, even though I’m not actually touching the stick.)

Me: “Uh…”

Teammate: “What are you doing?”

Me: “I’m not touching it!”

(The robot then speeds across the room into an obstacle we had built and stops dead. Everyone goes completely silent and looks at me.)

Me: “Does anybody know a priest?”

Daria Goes To Church

| Brookhaven, MS, USA | Religion, Students

(My friends and I have just recently made it into the ninth grade. One of my friends is the “school emo,” complete with dyed red hair, black clothes, and atheism. I have no idea why, but I speak in a pretty monotone voice and generally have a blank face. Now, while I myself am Christian, I do not tolerate other people’s bull-s*** when it comes to other people’s beliefs. This takes place at lunch when one of the more religious girls in our grade comes up to us and sits across from my friend..)

Girl: *after babbling on about Jesus and why my friend should believe in god, she stops for a moment and hands her a small pamphlet* “So please just come to my church for one night.”

Friend: “No, I’ve been dragged to church my whole life and I hated it.”

Me: *I have no idea why I did this, but seeing as how light she is I decided to. I stand from my chair and take the back of hers, turning her around to the table next to us where she was sitting* “She’s not going to church.”

(Mind you, I did all of this with absolutely no emotion on my face, or in my voice. We still joke about this to this day.)

That’s Some Grade ‘A’ Praying

| Indianapolis, IN, USA | Exams/Tests, Religion

(Our Catholic high school requires students to attend daily mass at least once a week during study hall. Our class was supposed to attend mass today, but our teacher has given us the option to go later in the week instead so we can study for the unusually high number of tests we have today. Only Student and I choose to get mass over with today rather than wait. We have the following conversation on our way to the chapel.)

Student: “I guess we’re the lucky ones who don’t have many tests today, huh?”

Me: “Actually, I have as many tests as the rest of them. I just recognize that no amount of studying can save me now. My best chance is to pray.”

Student: “But aren’t you an atheist?”

Me: “I’m more agnostic than anything else, but I’m also desperate. If it means a better chance at a passing grade, I’ll be the most devoted Catholic you’ve ever seen. But probably just ’till last period.”

Student: “I don’t think that’s how it works, but good luck with that.”

Have It With Your Scotch Eggs

| USA | Religion

(I go to a religious university affiliated with a religion that unequivocally does not drink. This takes place during an eight am music history course. We have just finished listening to a passage of Mahler.)

Professor: *shuddering* “It’s much too early for Mahler. Mahler at this time of the morning is like drinking scotch before breakfast.”

(The class is silent.)

Professor: “Not that I drink scotch before breakfast.” *pause* “Or any other time of the day, for that matter.”

Songs Of Praise

| PA, USA | Musical Mayhem, Popular, Religion

(We are at an orchestra festival. It’s almost time for dinner. Note that we sit in the back row, so no one really notices our antics except the trombones and bassoons. Horn #1 is pretty tall.)

Horn #1: *checks watch, then stretches his arms over his head and whispers to us* “Praise God, it’s five minutes until dinner.”

Conductor: “Are you stretching, or do you need something?”

Horn #1: “Um… I was praising God. For the… for the wonderful festival and the music…” *throws arms over head again* “Praise God?”

Horn #2: *raises arms* “Praise God!”

Conductor: “Okay, then.” *proceeds with rehearsal*

(This became a running joke. Every time he turned around, we raised our arms and whispered “Praise God.” Eventually, the tubas, trombones, and bassoons joined in!)