Category: Religion

Methodist And The Madness

| Birmingham, AL, USA | Hall of Fame, Religion, Teachers, Top

(I go to a private, Christian School, where most of the classes are centered around the Bible. Because of this, the Bible class is considered the most important, and is very hard to pass. Our Bible teacher has views that conflict with what most of us have been taught. The class contains students that are from different church denominations.)

Bible Teacher: “Today, class, I have decided that we will have a question day. You can ask me any questions you may have about the Bible, and I will do my best to answer them.”

(I raise my hand.)

Bible Teacher: “Yes, [my name]?”

Me: “This past Sunday, my church had a visiting pastor, who mentioned that Dante’s Inferno paints a similar picture of not only Hell, but also of the world we live in now—”

Bible Teacher: “Whoa, I’m gonna stop you there. Only a Methodist would say that. I think we all know where Methodists are going after they die.” *points downwards*

(The Bible Teacher then launches into a big rant about how Methodism is a Satanic cult, and so on.)

Bible Teacher: “Now, class, I want to get to know you better. Let’s go around the room and share what denomination we are.”

(After a few students have their turn, it is now my turn to speak.)

Me: “I’m a Methodist.”

Bible Teacher: “It’s not nice to lie to me. I know you’re only joking. What are you really?”

Me: “I really am a Methodist, sir.”

Bible Teacher: “Look, I like you. You do well on my tests, and ask good questions. I refuse to believe that my star pupil is going to Hell.”

Me: “Sir, I really am a Methodist. If you can’t accept the fact that you have a different denomination than me, and contradict my views, I might as well not even come to this class. I come to learn, and today, I learned that I am going to Hell. And you know what? I’m okay with that. See you there.”

(The Bible Teacher is infuriated, and is about to explode.)

Bible Teacher: “In the hall now. You don’t deserve my knowledge.”

(Right as I am about to go, another student stands up.)

Student: “Sir, I’m also a Methodist. Should I go into the hall, too?”

Bible Teacher: “Yes, go. If anybody else is one, just go ahead and leave.”

(I am out in the hall, when the student comes out. Then another one. And another. Soon the entire class in the hall, and only the teacher is left in the room. We report him, and he ends up getting fired for what he told me.)

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May Want To Reword Those Rewards

| Canada | Food & Drink, Religion, Rude & Risque, Students, Teachers, Top

(I’m in World History class. The teacher finishes talking about the Catholic church in the middle ages and how central the church was to the whole community.)

Student: “Man, people are so gullible. I should start my own church.”

Teacher: “Starting a church isn’t as easy as you might think. You’d have to work hard to bring people into your church, something to entice them, like Spiritual Enlightenment or eternal life in heaven.”

Student: “What about strippers and cake?”

Judge Not, Lest Ye Get Jumped

| UK | Bigotry, Genius, Hall of Fame, Religion, Staff, Students, Teachers, Top

(Our tutor is a Bible-thumping bigot in an all-girls school. She’s just caught two friends of mine making out when she came early to register us and is laying into them. Unbeknownst to the couple, we’ve laid plans for such an event.)

Tutor: “This is a disgrace! It’s an abomination, a sin!”

Friend #1: “It’s none of your business what we do!”

Friend #2: “It’s not against any rules!”

Tutor: “It’s against God’s Law! Leviticus—”

Friend #3: “AND I’m gonna stop ya right there.” *grins* “You’ve got a tattoo. Leviticus 19:28, among others.”

Tutor: “That’s not—”

Friend #4: “Not to mention Timothy 2:9, saying not to wear gold and pearls.” *gestures to tutor’s jewelry*

Tutor: “Well that’s—”

Friend #5: “Oh, and Leviticus 19:19; no clothes of blended fibers which we all know you’re wearing.”

Friend #6: “Are you planning on killing me because I don’t share your faith? I’m Hindu. Deuteronomy, 13:6-10.”

Friend #7: “What about—”

Tutor: “Shut up! SHUT UP!”

Me: “Didn’t your God have some pretty strict rules regarding who was allowed to start throwing stones?”

Tutor: *furious* “GOD D*** IT!”

Me: “Thou shalt not take the Lord’s name in—”

Tutor: “JUST SHUT UP!”

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Time To Put This Discussion On Ice

| Victoria, BC, Canada | Genius, Religion, Students, Teachers

(My Continental Rationalism professor is trying to explain Spinoza to the class.)

Professor: “So in Spinoza’s pantheism, everything is constrained by natural law, correct? So why does this give traditional theists, the Christians and the Jews, conniption fits? Hmmm?”

Class: *stares silently*

Professor: “Well, if things can only happen in accordance with certain rules, what does that eliminate, in traditional theism?”

Class: *continues staring*

Professor: “Imagine that this here, all this in front of me, imagine that it’s all water. Now I walk on it. What do we call that? Yes, you, in the front there.”

Me: “Winter, sir.”

(The correct answer of course was a miracle, but the prof did have to admit I was right!)

For His Punishment, He Was Concubined To Quarters

| Canada | Religion, Students, Teachers

(My religion teacher is lecturing the class about the life of a religious figure.)

Teacher: “Despite the king’s efforts, the prince managed to sneak out from the concubines of the castle that night.”

(I’m pretty sure she meant “confines.”)

Me: *whispering to friend* “I don’t think that word means what she thinks it means.”