Category: Religion

For His Punishment, He Was Concubined To Quarters

| Canada | Religion, Students, Teachers

(My religion teacher is lecturing the class about the life of a religious figure.)

Teacher: “Despite the king’s efforts, the prince managed to sneak out from the concubines of the castle that night.”

(I’m pretty sure she meant “confines.”)

Me: *whispering to friend* “I don’t think that word means what she thinks it means.”

Heaven Help Yourself To Everything We Have

AL, USA | Food & Drink, Religion, Students

(Our school has quite a large and successful vegetable garden. Each harvest time, we get the kids to help us collect all the vegetables, which are then given to the families of students who are on free or reduced-price lunches. One day, I get a phone call asking about the garden.)

Me: “Hello, this is [my name].”

Caller: “Hi, I’m looking for Mr. [last name].”

Me: “Speaking. What can I do for you?”

Caller: “The office told us to call you about the garden?”

Me: “Yep, that’s me!”

Caller: “Well, we were hoping to just pick it all up next week.”

Me: “…E-excuse me?”

Caller: “The vegetables? We have a truck we can pick them up with.”

Me: “Well, sir, the vegetables from our garden actually go to students at our school. We don’t give them to external folks unless we have a big harvest, and unfortunately, this year’s is barely going to be enough to feed our students.”

Caller: “Well, aren’t you just selfish! I’ll have you know that I’m from [local church-run soup kitchen], and I’m going to have your vegetables for God!”

Me: “So what you’re telling me is that my students should starve because you want my vegetables?”

Caller: “You’re supposed to donate!”

Me: “I’m supposed to feed my kids, too. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

Caller: “FOR GOD!” *hangs up*

Tolerating Intolerance Can Be Intolerable

, | USA | Bigotry, Books & Reading, History, Religion, Students, Teachers

(The professor has just finished a lecture involving the vanara, a race of monkey-like semi-divine beings in an Indian religion. One student is frowning and clearly upset.)

Professor: “Ah, [student]? Do you have a question?”

Student: “I don’t know. Do people, like, actually believe in this stuff?”

Professor: “…What?”

Student: “I mean, it’s so ridiculous! People don’t actually believe this is real, right? So stupid.”

Professor: “Well, all right. You’re a Christian, aren’t you?”

Student: *proudly* “Yes, I am!”

Professor: “Do you interpret the Bible literally?”

Student: “Of course I do!”

Professor: “Well, there are plenty of things in the Bible that seem ridiculous or impossible as well, and yet you believe in those. I think it’s a little unfair to treat Hinduism — or Hindus — any differently.”

Student: “That’s completely different!”

Even God Has Open Mic Nights

| Storrs, CT, USA | Religion, Teachers

Professor: “So now we’re going to learn about existentialism.”

(The microphone makes a hideous screeching sound.)

Professor: “My microphone doesn’t like this. I guess it’s not an atheist.”

A Devil-Maya-Care Attitude

| Florida, USA | Parents, Religion, Spouses & Partners, Students, Teachers

(I am a school librarian and I take some students aside for reading practice in the afternoon. We are reading about airplanes.)

Fifth Grader: “Ms. [my name], have you ever flown in a plane?”

Me: “Yes, I have. In fact, my boyfriend owns a small plane that looks a lot like the one on this page.” *points at a page in book*

Fifth Grader: “You’re not married?”

Me: “No. Let’s go on to the next page…”

Fifth Grader: “And you’re not engaged?”

Me: “No, not yet. Let’s go on with the book…”

Fifth Grader: “That’s so sad! I feel so bad for you!”

Me: “There’s no need to feel bad.”

Fifth Grader: “But the world is going to end in two weeks, and you won’t be married! And if you’re in the same bed when it happens, you’ll go to h***!”

(I talked to the student’s teacher, and she told me that a few students in her class had been informed by their parents that the world is ending this month. One student in her class has stopped doing school work entirely!)