Category: Religion

He Was There In Spirit

| FL, USA | Math & Science, Religion, Students, Teachers, Top

(My biology class is beginning its unit on evolution, much to the chagrin of some classmates.)

Biology Teacher: “Now, as you should have read in the text, the most recent common ancestor between humans and chimpanzees most likely lived between 6-8 million years ago, although there is some—”

Classmate: *jumps to his feet* “Were you there?!”

Biology Teacher: “Excuse me?”

Classmate: “Were you there when monkeys turned into people?!”

Biology Teacher: “In my class you have your butt down and your hand up to ask a question, Mr. [Name].”

(The classmate gives the teacher a death glare, but sits down and raises his hand without breaking eye contact.)

Biology Teacher: “Yes, Mr. [Name]?”

Classmate: “My question is… WERE. YOU. THERE. When monkeys turned into humans?”

Biology Teacher: “Of course I was.”

Classmate: “Then you can’t—wait, huh?”

Biology Teacher: “Yes, I was there.”

Classmate: “No you weren’t!”

(The rest of the class starts snickering.)

Biology Teacher: “How do you know I wasn’t there? Were you there?”

Classmate: “No, but—”

Biology Teacher: “Well then you can’t tell me I wasn’t there, because you weren’t there.”

(Everyone snickers again.)

Classmate: “You never saw evolution happen! Nobody did! So nobody can say it’s true!”

Biology Teacher: “Well, Mr. [Name], unless this is the first science course you’ve ever taken, your old teachers should be ashamed because they obviously left no impression on you. Biology, and all sciences, are based on observation and deduction.” *he holds up a copy of the textbook* “What you read here is what we have observed and what we can deduce based on the evidence. And if you actually had read it, maybe you would know that. You are in your junior year of high school, and you should not have to have this explained to you. I do not have the time to stand here and explain this to you. So if you have any further objections I suggest you come and see me after class ends.”

Classmate: “Evolution never happened! It’s a fairy tale made up by liberal scientists who hate God!”

Biology Teacher: *pinching his nose in frustration* “I’m not getting into a religious debate. This is a biology class. If you interrupt me again, Mr. [Name], you can take your objections up with [disciplinary officer].”

Classmate: “Fine! I’m not going to sit here and listen to lies from the devil!”

(He storms out of the classroom with his backpack in tow.)

Me: “…So shalt thou put evil away from among you.”

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God Is A Dog Person

| NY, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Pets & Animals, Religion, Teachers

(We are discussing the biblical flood in world religions class.)

Professor: “And it’s not just the people that get punished, it’s the animals—the little kittens! When I think of this flood all I can think of are these little kittens trying to survive! I mean, what did the kittens do?”

Methodist And The Madness

| Birmingham, AL, USA | Hall of Fame, Religion, Teachers, Top

(I go to a private, Christian School, where most of the classes are centered around the Bible. Because of this, the Bible class is considered the most important, and is very hard to pass. Our Bible teacher has views that conflict with what most of us have been taught. The class contains students that are from different church denominations.)

Bible Teacher: “Today, class, I have decided that we will have a question day. You can ask me any questions you may have about the Bible, and I will do my best to answer them.”

(I raise my hand.)

Bible Teacher: “Yes, [my name]?”

Me: “This past Sunday, my church had a visiting pastor, who mentioned that Dante’s Inferno paints a similar picture of not only Hell, but also of the world we live in now—”

Bible Teacher: “Whoa, I’m gonna stop you there. Only a Methodist would say that. I think we all know where Methodists are going after they die.” *points downwards*

(The Bible Teacher then launches into a big rant about how Methodism is a Satanic cult, and so on.)

Bible Teacher: “Now, class, I want to get to know you better. Let’s go around the room and share what denomination we are.”

(After a few students have their turn, it is now my turn to speak.)

Me: “I’m a Methodist.”

Bible Teacher: “It’s not nice to lie to me. I know you’re only joking. What are you really?”

Me: “I really am a Methodist, sir.”

Bible Teacher: “Look, I like you. You do well on my tests, and ask good questions. I refuse to believe that my star pupil is going to Hell.”

Me: “Sir, I really am a Methodist. If you can’t accept the fact that you have a different denomination than me, and contradict my views, I might as well not even come to this class. I come to learn, and today, I learned that I am going to Hell. And you know what? I’m okay with that. See you there.”

(The Bible Teacher is infuriated, and is about to explode.)

Bible Teacher: “In the hall now. You don’t deserve my knowledge.”

(Right as I am about to go, another student stands up.)

Student: “Sir, I’m also a Methodist. Should I go into the hall, too?”

Bible Teacher: “Yes, go. If anybody else is one, just go ahead and leave.”

(I am out in the hall, when the student comes out. Then another one. And another. Soon the entire class in the hall, and only the teacher is left in the room. We report him, and he ends up getting fired for what he told me.)

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May Want To Reword Those Rewards

| Canada | Food & Drink, Religion, Rude & Risque, Students, Teachers, Top

(I’m in World History class. The teacher finishes talking about the Catholic church in the middle ages and how central the church was to the whole community.)

Student: “Man, people are so gullible. I should start my own church.”

Teacher: “Starting a church isn’t as easy as you might think. You’d have to work hard to bring people into your church, something to entice them, like Spiritual Enlightenment or eternal life in heaven.”

Student: “What about strippers and cake?”

Judge Not, Lest Ye Get Jumped

| UK | Bigotry, Genius, Hall of Fame, Religion, Staff, Students, Teachers, Top

(Our tutor is a Bible-thumping bigot in an all-girls school. She’s just caught two friends of mine making out when she came early to register us and is laying into them. Unbeknownst to the couple, we’ve laid plans for such an event.)

Tutor: “This is a disgrace! It’s an abomination, a sin!”

Friend #1: “It’s none of your business what we do!”

Friend #2: “It’s not against any rules!”

Tutor: “It’s against God’s Law! Leviticus—”

Friend #3: “AND I’m gonna stop ya right there.” *grins* “You’ve got a tattoo. Leviticus 19:28, among others.”

Tutor: “That’s not—”

Friend #4: “Not to mention Timothy 2:9, saying not to wear gold and pearls.” *gestures to tutor’s jewelry*

Tutor: “Well that’s—”

Friend #5: “Oh, and Leviticus 19:19; no clothes of blended fibers which we all know you’re wearing.”

Friend #6: “Are you planning on killing me because I don’t share your faith? I’m Hindu. Deuteronomy, 13:6-10.”

Friend #7: “What about—”

Tutor: “Shut up! SHUT UP!”

Me: “Didn’t your God have some pretty strict rules regarding who was allowed to start throwing stones?”

Tutor: *furious* “GOD D*** IT!”

Me: “Thou shalt not take the Lord’s name in—”

Tutor: “JUST SHUT UP!”

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