Category: Religion

A Superior A**-Hole

, | Noblesville, IN, USA | Pets & Animals, Religion

Theology Teacher: “Okay! So we’ve established that humans have superior intellects and free will. The real question now is, what do we do with it? Any ideas, [Student]?”

Student: *clearly very lost* “Um, rub it in the other animals’ faces?”

Theology Teacher: “Well, it’s not suggested, but I suppose you could. ‘Ha Ha, I was made in the image and likeness of God and you weren’t! TAKE THAT, FIDO!’”

Gunning For The Bible

| UT, USA | Politics, Religion, Teachers

(I am sitting in a political science class at a well known religious university, and my class is discussing the “Stand Your Ground” laws.)

Professor: “One entertaining allusion to this is a sign that says ‘This home is protected by Jesus and Smith & Wesson.’”

Class: *courtesy laughter*

Professor: “I suppose you may not understand the joke. See, that first name is a character from the Bible…”

You’re In Retrograde

| USA | Religion, Teachers

(In chorus during my freshman year, you got your grade by simply going to class and not being so obnoxious that you would be noticed. I had to miss a few times first quarter, because it was an after school class and I had doctor’s appointments, which she excused. I also had two days that I wasn’t in school at all, one due to being sick and the other due to a religious holiday. She also wouldn’t update each day’s grade; rather, she’d post it all at once at the last minute as a single grade, so we didn’t know until the very end. This happens towards the end of the quarter:)

Teacher: “Just as a reminder, if you missed class you will have five points deducted from your grade for each day you missed.”

Me: *thinking to myself* “I only missed on days where I was formally excused, and she’s probably referring to people who have skipped, so I’m in the clear.”

(Then the grades are posted. I hadvea 90. Upon further investigation, she marked off for missing classes the two days I wasn’t even in school. Again, one of those days was for a religious holiday, so it is ILLEGAL to mark off for those reasons. My mom ends up having to talk to the principal, who gladly fights on our side.)

Teacher: “How was I supposed to know she was out for a religious holiday? And she should have come to extra practice during lunch like all the athletes do!”

(The athletes were excused early every day during their season for practice or were excused completely for games, and that didn’t even mark down their grades. She also had never mentioned the extra practice sessions, plus she later implied that it wouldn’t bring up my grade if I went. The principal had to explain to her all that was wrong with what was going on. My teacher still only held my grade at a 98 because “I should have come for extra practice” and “I should have discussed it with her before.” Until she retired, she changed her grading system so she updated daily grades regularly throughout the quarters. Somehow, she never breathed a word to me about this.)

Positive You Heard Negative

| PA, USA | Religion

(I am a volunteer for a religious education program. We are having a sign up event. Parents are here to sign up their children.)

Dad: “Hi. My daughter is in eighth grade. I need to sign her up but there are some issues with her mom and custody.” *launches into lengthy explanation of problem and what he wants to do about it*

Me: “I can do that.”

Dad: “No, you don’t understand. I’m divorced.” *repeats entire explanation*

Me: “Yes. I’m the eighth grade teacher. I would be happy to do that.”

Dad: “Can I just speak to the director?”

(I point him towards the director. He goes off to discuss it with her. She then brings him back to me. By now I have a long line of parents trying to sign their children up.)

Director: “This gentleman has a custody issue with his daughter.” *repeats entire problem* “I told him I couldn’t agree to that unless I spoke to you first. It’s quite a bit of extra work for you and I don’t want to agree without your consent.”

Me: “Yes, we already discussed it and I said it’s fine.”

Director: “Oh, great.”

Dad: “Finally! Someone who understands.”

Other Parent In Line: “Too bad it’s not YOU! She said she could do it the first two times you asked. You are the reason this line is so long.”

Too Soon?

| Denver, CO, USA | Religion

(Our faculty meets for prayer before the students arrive each morning.)

Teacher #1: “It’s so wonderful, following the Lord’s will! I was just reading about John the Baptist being beheaded … I can just see his smiling face!”

Teacher #2: *catching the image of a gory, severed head grinning on a platter, starts to giggle*

Teacher #3: *snort! chortle!*

Teacher #2: *full blown, unstoppable laughter*

Administrator: *valiantly stifling her own laughter* “I think we’d better end now.”

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