Category: Health & Body

That Sure Beats Tennis Elbow

| Health & Body, Sports, Teachers

(I’m in seventh grade. My best friend is actually very fit and a good athlete, but very lazy, and she’s always trying to come up with ways for us to get out of gym class so we can hang out on the bleachers. Our teacher essentially knows all her tricks and is rarely fooled. One day, we are told that we will be having a substitute gym teacher, and she comes up with a plan.)

Friend: “Okay, so he doesn’t know me, so we need to do a stuffy voice and he’ll let us off.”

Me: “A what?”

Friend: “A stuffy voice! You know. Follow me.” *walks up to new sub and begins speaking as if her nose is clogged* “Are you by stubstidute?”

Substitute: *not even looking up from his clipboard* “Nice try. It’s just tennis practice, ladies.”

(Annoyed, my friend goes to take her place with the rest of the class and I follow. The substitute comes out with a tennis racket and a ball.)

Substitute: “I know a lot of you find gym class really boring or intimidating, but it doesn’t have to be! There’s no reason to try to get out of it. There is literally nothing scary about any of it. Especially tennis.”

(To illustrate his point, he tosses the ball, then bounces up on his feet to hit it towards the wall… right before screaming like he’s been shot and crumpling to the ground. We run for another teacher, who calls an ambulance, and later during homeroom we are told his Achilles’s tendon had snapped.)

Friend: *turning towards me, white-faced* “You know, if he really WAS trying to show us how harmless and not-scary gym class is, he failed big time.”

(Don’t worry, he was okay, but he wore a boot and spent the rest of the year behind a desk teaching another homeroom class!)

Just Run With It

| Claremore, OK, USA | Health & Body

(At my cross-country meet, I end up being dead last, and this conversation happens between two of my friends. I’m running the last 200 yards.)

Friend #1: “Come on, [My Name], don’t stop running yet. You can puke when you get to the finish.”

Me: “I don’t have enough food in my system to puke, but I may pass out.”

Friend #2: “Why?”

Me: “I may have asthma, and I already doubled over twice.”

(After that, when I got to the finish all of the guys on my school’s cross country team, minus the state runner-up from last year, and all of the rest of the girls started cheering for me so that I would sprint the last 40 yards.)

It Cures Everything

| USA | Extra Stupid, Health & Body, Staff

(I go to the nurse’s office.)

Me: “I have a headache.”

Nurse: *gives me a band aid*

You Can’t Handle Their Biology

| London, England, UK | Health & Body

(We are currently learning about reproduction in biology and there is a diagram of female reproductive organs on the board. Suddenly, the boy next to me falls backwards off of his seat and starts shaking. The teacher calls the office and the headmaster and some staff come and take him out in a wheelchair. As they leave, the headmaster looks at the board.)

Headmaster: “Oh, my, no wonder he fainted!”

(We all laughed, and it really helped us to get over the panic of the moment, which we all appreciated. The boy was fine and was at school again the next day.)

A Needling Problem

| USA | Bizarre/Silly, Health & Body, Students

(My home-ec teacher told us about a student she had. This takes place during the sewing unit, in which we use machines.)

Student: “Ms. [Teacher]? Can you come over here?”

Teacher: “Sure, what’s going on?”

Student: *extremely calmly* “There’s a needle in my finger.”

(Best way to teach us to be careful.)

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