Category: Health & Body

That Actually Makes More Sense Than The Book

| OR, USA | Books & Reading, Health & Body

(We are discussing colorblindness in science class. A student, not knowing any better, asks this.)

Student: “So, is this what Fifty Shades of Gray is about?”

Class: *bursts into laughter*

(He truly didn’t know what it’s about.)

A Needling Problem, Part 2

| Omaha, NE, USA | Health & Body

(I’m taking a physiology class where one assignment is to type our own blood. My teacher passes out the kits and makes it clear that anyone who tries to get out of it by claiming fear of needles will fail, so I soldier on despite my resounding terror of pointy objects.)

Teacher: “Hey, [My Name]?”

Me: *desperately trying keep calm despite dropping the test kit for the third time* “Yes?”

Teacher: “You’re afraid of needles.”

(At this point, I realize what I look like: I’ve gone white as a sheet, I’ve broken out in a vicious cold sweat, and I’ve been dropping the needle because my hands have gone numb from lack of blood flow. In other words: the physiological reaction to fear.)

Me: “And watching myself bleed.”

Teacher: “Get out in the hall before you pass out.”

Student #1: “I thought you said a fear of needles wasn’t a valid excuse!”

Teacher: “No, I said claiming you’re afraid of needles wasn’t a valid excuse. [My Name], however, has turned into a Walking Dead extra at the thought a needle. Either she has a full-blown phobia, or she learned to fake blood flowing away from her extremities. Either way, she has earned a place in the hallway.”

A Needling Problem

That Sure Beats Tennis Elbow

| Health & Body, Sports, Teachers

(I’m in seventh grade. My best friend is actually very fit and a good athlete, but very lazy, and she’s always trying to come up with ways for us to get out of gym class so we can hang out on the bleachers. Our teacher essentially knows all her tricks and is rarely fooled. One day, we are told that we will be having a substitute gym teacher, and she comes up with a plan.)

Friend: “Okay, so he doesn’t know me, so we need to do a stuffy voice and he’ll let us off.”

Me: “A what?”

Friend: “A stuffy voice! You know. Follow me.” *walks up to new sub and begins speaking as if her nose is clogged* “Are you by stubstidute?”

Substitute: *not even looking up from his clipboard* “Nice try. It’s just tennis practice, ladies.”

(Annoyed, my friend goes to take her place with the rest of the class and I follow. The substitute comes out with a tennis racket and a ball.)

Substitute: “I know a lot of you find gym class really boring or intimidating, but it doesn’t have to be! There’s no reason to try to get out of it. There is literally nothing scary about any of it. Especially tennis.”

(To illustrate his point, he tosses the ball, then bounces up on his feet to hit it towards the wall… right before screaming like he’s been shot and crumpling to the ground. We run for another teacher, who calls an ambulance, and later during homeroom we are told his Achilles’s tendon had snapped.)

Friend: *turning towards me, white-faced* “You know, if he really WAS trying to show us how harmless and not-scary gym class is, he failed big time.”

(Don’t worry, he was okay, but he wore a boot and spent the rest of the year behind a desk teaching another homeroom class!)

Just Run With It

| Claremore, OK, USA | Health & Body

(At my cross-country meet, I end up being dead last, and this conversation happens between two of my friends. I’m running the last 200 yards.)

Friend #1: “Come on, [My Name], don’t stop running yet. You can puke when you get to the finish.”

Me: “I don’t have enough food in my system to puke, but I may pass out.”

Friend #2: “Why?”

Me: “I may have asthma, and I already doubled over twice.”

(After that, when I got to the finish all of the guys on my school’s cross country team, minus the state runner-up from last year, and all of the rest of the girls started cheering for me so that I would sprint the last 40 yards.)

It Cures Everything

| USA | Extra Stupid, Health & Body, Staff

(I go to the nurse’s office.)

Me: “I have a headache.”

Nurse: *gives me a band aid*

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