Category: Food & Drink

Hogwarts Kitchen Staff

, | Tacoma, WA, USA | Food & Drink, Students, Time

(As some of the cafeteria ‘stations’ close earlier than others, my coworker is starting to pack up the extra food for the night. As she is doing this, a student approaches her.)

Coworker: “I’m sorry, we’re closed.”

Student: *points at the food she’s packing away* “Food.”

Coworker: “Um…”

Student: “There’s still food.”

Coworker: “Closed. We’re still closed.”

(The student let out an exasperated sigh and walked away. What, did they think the food just magically vanished the instant that the station closed or something?)


| Fairborn, OH, USA | Food & Drink, Students

(I am placed in an advanced English class. I do well, but due to an undiagnosed attention disorder, I forget to turn in assignments, so I get a ‘C’ grade in the class. In the fourth quarter, my teacher pulls me aside to talk about my grades.)

Teacher: “[My Name], please try to remember the extra credit. I really want you to get a ‘B’ so you can take French next year, like you want.”

Me: “Yes, Mrs. [Teacher]. I’ll try to remember.”

Teacher: “Good.”

(Later, she is talking about the extra credit assignments for the unit.)

Teacher: “Now as you can see, these are simple assignments. The only thing simpler is trying to bribe me with candy!”

(Somehow, I take this to heart and go home to tell my parents that I’ll get extra credit for candy. The next day, I bring in five giant bags of M&Ms, placing them on my teacher’s desk.)

Teacher: “What is this?”

Me: “You mentioned bribing you for extra credit, so…”

Teacher: “I’ll see what I can do.”

(Sure enough, my grade jumped from a ‘C’ to an ‘A’. When I visited her the year she retired, she told me about the giant candy bar she made from the M&Ms I brought in! I’ve since never bribed a teacher for a passing grade.)

Meno-Pause Until Recess

| London, England, UK | Awesome, Food & Drink, Staff

(Around year 10/9th grade, I develop a lot of confidence quite dramatically and stop being embarrassed about a lot of things. It sometimes leads to clashes with people who think I should be more embarrassed or apologetic for things I can’t change, such as not understanding a question or, in this case, uncontrollable biological functions.)

Me: *realises during class I’ve just started my period, days early, and therefore have not taken necessary precautions* “Miss, could I go to the toilet, please?”

Teacher: “No, you can wait. There is only 20 minutes left until break.”

Me: “No, seriously, miss, I really need to go to the toilet. I’ll be less than five minutes, I promise.”

Teacher: *sighs and looks at me down her nose* “[My Name], are you a small child who can’t hold their bladder for 20 minutes?”

Me: *getting slightly desperate at this point because, hey, bleeding through your clothing is uncomfortable and kind of gross* “No, miss, I’m a 15 year old with a uterus who needs to go put a pad in because I just started my period!”

Teacher: *looks disgusted* “Go to the pastoral office, NOW!”

Me: *shrugs, goes to the bathroom then to the pastoral office*

(I explain what happened and the pastoral officer is baffled as to why I’ve been sent there. 15 minutes later my teacher arrives looking smug.)

Teacher: “I take it you’ve received your detention, then?”

Me: “No? I’m not entirely sure why I was sent here and nor is [Pastoral Officer].”

Teacher: *looks shocked and goes into the pastoral officer’s office, closing the door behind her*

(Luckily for me the office walls are made of plywood so I get a front-row seat as my teacher is torn to shreds for trying to have me punished for mentioning the word “period”, which she deemed inappropriate for a classroom. She comes out and barely looks at me as she passes.)

Pastoral Officer: *passes me a chocolate bar surreptitiously* “I know we’re supposed to support that healthy eating crap so don’t let [Head Teacher] know I gave you this. You can go to your next class now. You’ll be a few minutes late but tell your next teacher you were with me, and get a hot water bottle from the nurse if you need to, okay?”

Me: “Yes, miss!”

(In an all-girls school of over 1000 students, it baffles me as to how mentioning a period could be seen by anyone as a punishable offence. It makes me wonder what that teacher does every month, close her eyes and pretend it’s not happening?)

It’s A Grape-Way Drug

| CA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink

(The bell has just rung and everybody is walking out of P.E. when a classmate pulls out a plastic bag.)

Teacher: “Classmate, I don’t wanna know what’s in that bag do I?”

Classmate: “Uh, grapes.”

Teacher: “Oh, okay.” *walks away*

Me: “What he think was in there? Drugs?”

Classmate: *sarcastically* “Yeah, just my daily dose of cocaine at school.”

Me: “Just to snort between classes when the P.E. teacher isn’t looking!”

The Flavor Tricolor

| England, UK | Bizarre/Silly, Food & Drink, History

(My history group is learning about different topics, ranging from Native American tribes to medieval England. We are currently learning about the French Revolution.)

Teacher: “Napoleon used the Revolution in order to gain power and influence—”

Student: “Wait, an ice-cream flavour tried taking over France?”

(Laughter shortly follows, and several students hit their heads on the table, refusing to look up.)

Me: “I think you mean Neapolitan.”

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