Category: Family & Kids

This Apple Doesn’t Foul Far From The Tree

| Florida, USA | Family & Kids, Parents, Rude & Risque, Students

(A first grade student of mine has started using some colorful language in the classroom. I decide to bring his mom in for a parent-teacher conference.)

Me: “[Student] has been using some rather inappropriate words in the classroom. I was wondering if you might know where he’s getting it from.”

Student’s Mom: *nonchalantly* “F***, I don’t know. Must be those video d*** games his c*** of a dad buys for him…”

Po-tential K-atastrophe Averted

| New York, NY, USA | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Hall of Fame, Ignoring/Inattentive, Parents, Staff, Top

(I’m cleaning up from a project in the chemistry lab when a tour comes in.)

Guide: “…and this is one of our chemistry labs. This particular one is used mostly by chemistry majors who are working on their—” *to young boy who wanders off* “Excuse me, please don’t touch anything. This lab has some dangerous chemicals in it.”

(I’m currently cleaning up some of those ‘dangerous chemicals,’ so I look up. A younger boy around age eight has broken off from the group and has picked up some glassware and turned on a sink.)

Mother: “Oh, don’t worry about him. Daddy’s a chemist, so he’s used to playing in the lab.”

Guide: “Uh, well, it’s school policy that I have to ask the tours not to touch anything.”

Mother: *smirking* “That’s nice, but I REALLY think that being in his daddy’s lab has—”

(Suddenly, a professor barges through the doors to the lab and goes straight for the young boy.)

Professor: “WHAT THE H*** ARE YOU DOING?!”

(The professor TACKLES the young boy, which obviously enrages the mother.)

Mother: “What the f*** is wrong with you?! Nothing in this this tiny lab is worth so much that—”

(Suddenly, the sink explodes. After a few seconds of stunned silence, the mother finally speaks up.)

Mother: “Your wretched lab could have killed my son!”

Professor: “No, your wretched son could have killed himself and the rest of the tour!”

(They continue to yell at each other while the tour guide frantically calls security. The son wanders over to me.)

Son: “Daddy never lets me have that much potassium metal! Do you have any more?!”

Me: “Nope, that was, uh, the lab’s entire supply.”

(Security arrives and defuses the professor and the mother, who threatens to sue. A week later, instead of a lawsuit, we receive a letter informing us that if we need any more potassium, ‘Daddy’s lab’ will be happy to provide it to us for free.)

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Completely Immersed In The Lesson

| Frankenmuth, MI, USA | Family & Kids

(I teach swim lessons but my shift hadn’t started yet so I am in normal clothes and standing behind the front desk.)

Me: “Hey guys, go ahead and get in, I’ll be in to teach in a few minutes.”

Mother: “ Who are you?”

Me: “Miss, your son’s swim teacher.  For the past 2 years.”

Mother: “Oh! I didn’t recognize you with clothes on!”

Another Tragic Hair Disaster

| North Wales, UK | Bizarre/Silly, Family & Kids

(The phone rings five minutes before the end of the school day.)

Parent: *very distressed* “You’ll have to help me, please help!”

Me: “What on earth has happened? How can I help?”

Parent: “It’s an emergency! There’s been a disaster! You have to help me!”

Me: “Calm down and tell me what has happened. I’ll do my best to help”.

Parent: “I can’t get there to pick up [name of her child]. It’s an emergency!”

Me: “Don’t worry about her, I’ll keep an eye on her here at school. She can come home with me if need be. Is there anything else can do? What has happened?”

Parent: “It’s my hair, it’s turned out orange!”

Customers To Keep You On Your Toes

| Dallas, TX, USA | Family & Kids

(My husband and I inherited a dance studio from his mother and we’re both full-time teachers there. Naturally, our five-year-old spends a lot of time with us at the studio. Her father and I were playing "Swan Lake" with her one day in one of the dance studios after all the classes were over when a mother and her daughter came in.)

Customer: “Excuse me!”

Me: “Can I help you? Classes are over for the day.”

Customer: “I would like to organize one-on-one private lessons with you for my daughter.”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t do private lessons.”

Customer: “So why is he teaching that little girl how to do a lift?”

Me: “That’s our daughter. He’s not teaching her anything, he’s just picking her up. We were playing a game.”

Customer: “I demand you give my child private lessons!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’ve just told you, we don’t do that here.”

Customer: “She’s been in your class for two years!”

Me: “Yes, I know.”

Customer: “That little girl isn’t even old enough to be in your class.”

Me: “No, she’s not, but she’s my daughter. She’s been exposed to ballet since she was a baby.”

Customer: “So has my child! She knows culture!”

Me: “I understand, ma’am, but I just can’t give her private lessons.”

Customer: “Why are you letting her do it, then?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’ve told you already, she’s my daughter. She gets private lessons with me whether she likes it or not. We live together.”

Customer: “So if I send my daughter to live with you, will you teach her?”

Me: “Ma’am, you can’t send your daughter to live with us.”

My Daughter: “Mommy! Look at me!”

Customer: “Oh, she really is your daughter? I thought you were lying. See you tomorrow for class!”