Category: Family & Kids

Sorry A Hundred Times

| Canada | Family & Kids

(A kid comes up to me.)

Kid: “[My Name], are you 100?”

Me: “Go home and tell your parents what you said and then come back to me.”

(I see the kid the next day.)

Me: “What did your parents say?”

Kid: “To say sorry.”

Thankful That The Kindergartners Don’t Cook

| Louisville, KY, USA | Family & Kids, Holidays

(Every year, my grade school asks the kindergarteners for recipes for turkey. They print the best ones in the parent newsletter for Thanksgiving weekend:)

Kindergartener #1: “Go out into the woods and find a turkey. Bring it home, add salt and pepper, and cook for ten minutes at ten degrees.”

Kindergartener #2: “Stuff a turkey with ketchup. Put it in the oven at 300 degrees for two minutes.”

Kindergartener #3: “Buy a turkey. Put bread in it. Cook at 4000 degrees for three hours.”

Drunk On Love!

| Finland | Family & Kids, Language & Words, LGBTQ

(I assist a teacher with first and second graders. Two boys, both seven years old, start arguing over something, which ends with this conversation:)

Boy #1: “Well, that’s because you’re gay!”

Me: “Hey! Do you even know what that word means?”

Boy #1: “Yeah, it’s when you’re really drunk!”

(I end up giving an age-appropriate explanation of the word while wondering if I was doing something I really shouldn’t.)

Not Quite Feline This Book

| Saskatoon, SK, Canada | Bad Behavior, Bizarre/Silly, Family & Kids, Pets & Animals

(In high school, there is a project where we have to write a children’s book and then read it to actual children.)

Me: “My book is called Little Kitty in the Rain. Do any of you have a cat?”

Child #1: “No! We hate cats!”

Child #2: “Yeah, we kill cats!”

Me: “Oooh-kay then.”

(It did not go well. And then people wonder why I don’t want kids!)

Et Tu Genealogy?

| Provo, UT, USA | Family & Kids, History

(I work at a university library, in a section that deals specifically with religion books and with family history research. I’m also getting a history degree, so I get a lot of history-related questions. We have a large-format printer with which people print off pedigree charts, fan charts, and any other posters. The fan charts, which show about nine generations, especially are a popular service. One day I get this call.)

Me: “[Library]. How may I help you?

Caller: “Hi. Can you print fan charts that go as far back as Julius Caesar?”

Me: *thinking it’s a joke* “Sorry?”

Caller: “Yeah, I traced my genealogy back to Julius Caesar, and I want to show that on a fan chart.”

Me: “Um, no, I’m afraid the program can only portray nine generations. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Caller: *obviously disappointed* “No, that’s all right.”

(He hangs up. I relate all this to my coworker.)

Me: “I didn’t have the heart to tell him that Julius Caesar doesn’t have any known surviving descendants.”