Category: Family & Kids

Drunk On Love!

| Finland | Family & Kids, Language & Words, LGBTQ

(I assist a teacher with first and second graders. Two boys, both seven years old, start arguing over something, which ends with this conversation:)

Boy #1: “Well, that’s because you’re gay!”

Me: “Hey! Do you even know what that word means?”

Boy #1: “Yeah, it’s when you’re really drunk!”

(I end up giving an age-appropriate explanation of the word while wondering if I was doing something I really shouldn’t.)

Not Quite Feline This Book

| Saskatoon, SK, Canada | Bad Behavior, Bizarre/Silly, Family & Kids, Pets & Animals

(In high school, there is a project where we have to write a children’s book and then read it to actual children.)

Me: “My book is called Little Kitty in the Rain. Do any of you have a cat?”

Child #1: “No! We hate cats!”

Child #2: “Yeah, we kill cats!”

Me: “Oooh-kay then.”

(It did not go well. And then people wonder why I don’t want kids!)

Et Tu Genealogy?

| Provo, UT, USA | Family & Kids, History

(I work at a university library, in a section that deals specifically with religion books and with family history research. I’m also getting a history degree, so I get a lot of history-related questions. We have a large-format printer with which people print off pedigree charts, fan charts, and any other posters. The fan charts, which show about nine generations, especially are a popular service. One day I get this call.)

Me: “[Library]. How may I help you?

Caller: “Hi. Can you print fan charts that go as far back as Julius Caesar?”

Me: *thinking it’s a joke* “Sorry?”

Caller: “Yeah, I traced my genealogy back to Julius Caesar, and I want to show that on a fan chart.”

Me: “Um, no, I’m afraid the program can only portray nine generations. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Caller: *obviously disappointed* “No, that’s all right.”

(He hangs up. I relate all this to my coworker.)

Me: “I didn’t have the heart to tell him that Julius Caesar doesn’t have any known surviving descendants.”

Will Have To Make It Up Later

| AR, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Family & Kids

(On Fridays, our band director usually allows free days for the music class. Today, however, he has invited a class of second graders over for the next twenty minutes or so. Let it be noted that I am female, and don’t usually wear makeup. Today, though, I chose to wear my ‘dark look.’ It’s just black makeup and my hair all to one side, since my resting facial expression allows me to pull this off. Of course, with second graders, they are awfully nosy. There is no exception with this particular girl.)

Second-Grade Girl: “Why are you wearing makeup?”

Me: “Why aren’t you?”

(There is a brief silence from the other girls in my class, until one with a better-than-thou attitude tries to butt in.)

Girl #1: “Oh, my God, [My Name], I can’t believe you said that to a little kid!”

(The band director pulled me aside and talked to me about it, but the expression on everybody’s face when I said that made it all worth it!)

All Manner Of Bad People Out There

| Wales, UK | Family & Kids

(I am a leader of a Brownie (like British Girl Scouts) group. As part of a challenge day, they are learning about personal safety, including stranger danger.)

Leader: “So, if a man comes up to you and tells you all about his puppies, and how cute they are but they’re too young to leave the house, and he asks you if you want to go back to his house to see them, what do you say?”

Brownies: *feebly* “No.”

Leader: “Come on, what are you going to say?”

A Couple of Brownies: “No, thank you!”

(I was quite proud of my girls’ manners!)