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    Don’t Bank On His Language Skills

    | Newark, NJ, USA | Family & Kids, Language & Words, Students

    (I’m an after-school English tutor for our exchange students. The assignment today is a brief speech about what everyone in your family does, but no dictionaries are allowed while they’re writing the speech.)

    German Student: “Okay. I can go first?”

    Me: “Okay, [German Student], go ahead.”

    German Student: “My mother is a nurse. She works at a big hospital in Essen. She takes care of new babies who are born with sickness. When she was young, she was a nurse in Moscow. My father is an ATM. He—”

    Me: *interrupting* “A what?”

    German Student: “ATM.”

    Me: “A banker?”

    German Student: “No! ATM! He met my mother at hospital! He is a wagon-driver!”

    (He makes siren noises and flashes the classroom lights.)

    Me: “Oh… an EMT?”

    German Student: “Oh, yes. EMT.”

    (He finishes the speech without incident. Next up is a nervous Spanish student.)

    Spanish Student: “My father, uh, is… My father is an avocado.”

    (His father is an ‘abogado': a lawyer.)

    Blinded By The Truth

    | NJ, USA | Bad Behavior, Health & Body, Teachers

    (I am blind in one eye, causing me to have no sense of depth perception. Despite this, I am a member of my school’s colourguard. I have mostly learned how to judge distances, but since I can’t see how far away anything is from me, I occasionally misjudge how far away a toss is from me. In this case, my very strict, arrogant band director is watching me do a challenging toss on flag.)

    Me: *completely misjudges toss*

    Band Director: “Why didn’t you catch that? What are you, blind?”

    Me: *pause* “Yes, actually.”

    (I have never seen anyone thrown off their high horse so quickly. Now, much to my amusement, it’s a recurring joke in my guard to call someone blind when they can’t catch something!)

    The Philosophy Of Photography

    , | USA | Extra Stupid, History, Students

    (I’m in creative photography class. My teacher puts up a photograph taken by a famous photographer.)

    Teacher: “All right, who took this photo? He’s famous!”

    Classmate: “Aristotle?”

    Thou Shalt Not Bribe

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Exams/Tests, Language & Words, Religion, Teachers

    (My religion teacher has her class memorize one Bible verse per week. At the beginning of the next week, as a scripture quiz, we are expected to write out last week’s verse. She gives us the first two words as a cue. This particular week, a lot of us are having trouble remembering it, so she offers us the third word as well.)

    Classmate: “Can we get the fourth word?”

    Teacher: “No… you usually only get two and now you have three. I think that’s good enough.”

    Classmate #2: “Can we get the seventh word?”

    Teacher: “No.”

    Classmate #1: “Can we get the first syllable of the fourth word?”

    (Our teacher shakes her head.)

    Classmate #1: “I’ll give you 20 bucks!”

    Teacher: “Let’s think about this. You are trying to bribe a religion teacher. What is wrong with this picture?”

    Classmate #1: “I don’t think it is. I think it’s a very nice picture!”

    It’s Either That Or A G-String

    | OH, USA | Musical Mayhem, Rude & Risque, Teachers

    (We’re in choir. Our director is telling the altos that the majority of them should not try for the higher note, and should instead stay on the lower note, a D.)

    Director: “Eh… most of the altos should take the D.”

    (The bass and tenor sections start snickering up a storm.)

    Director:  *glares* “Smooth.”

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