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    Weighted Down By The Hole You Dug

    | Apopka, FL, USA | Health & Body, Students

    (I stay after school for a rehearsal for a private ensemble for which you have to audition. My chorus teacher started and works with the ensemble. I am sarcastic with her a lot, and today she has asked me and a friend to carry something for her to stand on during the concert so that the whole choir can see her.)

    Teacher: “It’s heavier than you think. ”

    Me: “How heavy can it be?”

    (I try to pick it up unsuccessfully.)

    Me: “Oh…”

    Teacher: “See? I didn’t realize it at first, but it does need to support my weight.”

    Me: “Yeah, that would make sense. It needs to be heavy to support you.”

    Teacher: “What are you trying to say?”

    Me: *flustered* “I’m just saying it needs to be heavy so that it can support your weight.”

    Teacher: “…”

    Me: “I will never win in this conversation, will I?”

    He’s Almost Dead

    | TX, USA | Extra Stupid, Students

    (My teacher was just going over a lab he did in college that shows how the heart is not dependent on the brain.)

    Student: “Wait. So if you’re brain-dead, your heart will still beat?”

    Teacher: “Yes, that’s what the experiment was all about.”

    Me: “If you were brain-dead AND your heart wasn’t beating, then wouldn’t you just be regular dead.”

    Student: “Oh, yeah…”

    Cherry-Picked Memories

    | IN, USA | Bad Behavior, Teachers

    (The whole class gets done with our chemistry final really early, so we spend the rest of the period swapping stories with the teacher. We get around to talking about things we did when we were little.)

    Teacher: “My sister and I used to have wars where we’d build forts out of tree branches and throw things at each other.”

    Student #1: “What… kind of things? You don’t mean rocks, do you?”

    Student #2: “No, come on. He means water balloons.”

    Teacher: “It was usually cherry bombs, actually.”

    Student #2: “What?! For real?”

    Teacher: “Scout’s honor. And yes, they were lit and everything.”

    Student #1: “Geez, [Teacher], you could’ve really hurt each other!”

    Teacher: “That was the intent!”

    A Totally Separate Piece

    | TX, USA | Books & Reading, Love/Romance

    (My English class is reading ‘A Separate Peace’ by John Knowles, and we are absolutely convinced that it is the epic gay romance between the main character, Gene and his best friend, Finney.)

    Classmate: “Finney is totally oblivious to the lust Gene obviously has for him.”

    Me: “No way! Finney totally knows. They’re lovers!”

    Classmate: “Prove it!”

    Me: “How?”

    Classmate: “Find text evidence.”

    (I turn to the middle of the first chapter:)

    Me: *reading aloud* ‘I threw my hip against his, catching him by surprise, and he was instantly down, definitely pleased. This was why he liked me so much. When I jumped on top of him, my knees on his chest, he couldn’t ask for anything better. We struggled in some equality for a while…'”

    (I trail off realizing that the teacher is behind me.)

    Teacher: “But… they’re just friends…”

    You Shall Not Get Your Pass

    | Colorado Springs, CO, USA | Extra Stupid, Staff, Teachers

    (At my high school if we have good grades we get to go to lunch for a half hour while those who have bad grades go to a study hall classroom. If we have good grades we have to have a hall pass signed by a teacher with our grades. I forgot mine on the day that I had a substitute so I go to the office.)

    Me: “I forgot my hall pass. May I have a note to go home so I can get it? I live really close.”

    Office Staff: “Where is your hall pass?”

    Me: “At home. I just said that I need to go get it.”

    Office Staff: “Oh. Well you need your hall pass.”

    Me: “I need my hall pass so I can go get my hall pass?”

    Office Staff: “Yes.”

    Me: “Um.. okay.”

    (I go to a security guard.)

    Me: “So, apparently I need a hall pass to go get my hall pass that’s at home. The lady in the office won’t let me go get it. May I just print out my grades to get into the lunch room?”

    Security Guard: *laughing* “That would work.”

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