• First Grade Problems
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  • November Theme Of The Month: Horrible Histories!

    Still Trying To Make Fetch Happen

    | NY, USA | Movies & TV

    (I am in rehearsal for my school musical, and I have just been assigned a new part. I go to the bathroom and hear the last part of the conversation just as I’m opening the door.)

    Teacher: “At this point, [My Name] will walk in and everyone will stop singing.”

    Girl #1: “Oh, my god, she’s right there!”

    Classmates: “Oh, my god, look! That is SO funny!”

    Me: “Um… hi? What’s going on?”

    Girl #2: “So, Mr. [Teacher] was just saying you’d walk in and interrupt the singing, and you just walked in.”

    Me: “Oh… hey, maybe I’m psychic! Like I have… ESPN or something…”

    Friend: “Yeah, like your boobs know when it’s going to rain… or if it’s already raining.”

    Girl #2: “What?”

    Me:Mean Girls quote. Sorry.”

    Kill You With Laughter

    | San Antonio, TX, USA | Math & Science

    (My mom is a chemistry teacher. She is known throughout campus for being extremely funny and crazy. I get to sit in on her eighth-period class. This particular day, she is going over the MSDS so her students could go do a lab over it. She begins cheerfully describing all the sections like so:)

    Mom: “So the MSDS is comprised of a whole ton of data sheets for a whole ton of chemicals. Each chemical has about 16 sections on it. Let’s go through them, shall we? Section One: This is what it is. Section Two: This is how it’s gonna kill you. Three: This is what is in it that is doing the killing. Four: This is how you stop it from killing you. Five: My personal favorite; This is how it’s gonna kill you — with fire! This is what you should never, ever, ever, ever do, so it doesn’t kill you. This is how you store it, so it doesn’t kill you.”

    (By now, the entire class is trying to suppress hysterical giggles.)

    Mom: “These are the properties which allow it to kill you. This is what it’s gonna react with — to kill you. This is what you should never store it with — so it doesn’t kill you. This is how it’s going kill you — with poison. This is how you should clean it up — so it doesn’t kill you. This is how you should get rid of it — so it doesn’t kill you. This is how you should carry it around — so it doesn’t kill you.”

    Student: *raises hand* “So the MSDS has the stuff you do with all these chemicals so it doesn’t kill you.”

    Mom: “Basically!”

    (Needless to say, I hope I have Mom next year.)

    No Vocation For Location, Part 10

    | USA | Extra Stupid, Geography, Students

    (It’s the last day of school before Spring Break. School has just let out, so everyone is leaving school through the hallways, including me. On my way out, I overhear this.)

    Random Girl: “Goodbye, America. I’m heading to Alaska!”

    No Vocation For Location, Part 9
    No Vocation For Location, Part 8
    No Vocation For Location, Part 7

    Not The ‘B’ Grade You Wanted

    | MA, USA | Awesome, Homework, Language & Words, Teachers

    (My 11th grade English teacher was one term from retirement and thus knew he could get away with quite a bit in class…)

    Teacher: “All right, hand in your assignments.”

    Me: *hands in a well-thought-out three-page assignment*

    Student: *hands in a phoned-in assignment that takes up a fraction of a page*

    Teacher: *walks over to Student and writes BS on his paper* “‘BS.’ That stands for ‘Badly Stated.’”

    When Meth Morphs

    | GA, USA | Extra Stupid, Health & Body, Students

    (I’m in ninth grade biology class. I don’t quite remember how we got on the topic of addiction, but we are currently talking about it when a student speaks up.)

    Student: “Yeah, so, like, one time, I was in the hospital and they injected me with meth.”

    Teacher: “…Meth?!”

    Student: “Yeah, you know, like, methane?”

    (The whole class is silent as we stare at her incredulously. The teacher finally speaks up.)

    Teacher: “You mean MORPHINE?”

    Student: “Oh, yeah…”

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