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  • A Noteworthy Departure
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  • Wish You Could Just Eat Yourself Into A Hole

    | UK | Bizarre/Silly, Students

    (There is a girl at my school who seems to think that I am ‘sooo cute’. We are working quietly in a lesson when she talks to me out of the blue.)

    Girl: “Awwww, you’re just so cute! Don’t you just want to gobble yourself up sometimes?”

    Me: “Umm… no?”

    Thinking Not Inside The Box

    | Australia | Extra Stupid, Students

    (It’s exam time, and my best friend and I are comparing study timetables. I notice that next to all of the study breaks on her timetable she’s written either ‘I’ or ‘N’.)

    Me: “What do the ‘I’ and ‘N’ mean?”

    Friend: “Oh, they stand for ‘inside’ and ‘not inside’.”

    Me: “But isn’t ‘not inside’ the same as outside?”

    Friend: *looks at me and blinks* “That never occurred to me.”

    That’ll Teach Him

    | Victoria, BC, Canada | Parents, Teachers, Theme Of The Month

    Me: “How were parent-teacher conferences, Dad?”

    Dad: “Er. Good. I, um, I met your math teacher.”

    Me: “Oh, Mr. [Name]. Yeah, he’s a good teacher.”

    Dad: “Oh, good. He’s a little on the young side, isn’t he?”

    Me: “I think he’s in his late twenties… Dad? What did you say to him?”

    Dad: “Well, he was wearing jeans and you must admit he does look very young…”

    Me: “Dad! What did you say to my math teacher?!”

    Dad: “I didn’t know he was a teacher! I thought he was a student, so I told him to pull his pants up and put his skateboard away!”

    All Bad Things

    | AB, Canada | Bully, Geeks Rule, Movies & TV

    (For as long as I can remember I’ve been a Trekkie. I am in high school when ‘Star Trek: The Next Generation’ is in its final season. The day after the final episode, I’m approached by the school bully. I brace myself for his usual barrage of insults.)

    Bully: “Hey, it’s the big fat Trekkie. Let me guess, you watched the final episode last night.”

    Me: “Of course I did.”

    Bully: “And because you’re such a HUGE Trekkie, I’m guessing you taped it so you can watch it over and over again.”

    Me: “Yeah. So?”

    (He looks around to make sure none of his clique are within earshot, and then leans in close.)

    Bully: “Dude. I missed it. Can I borrow it?”

    Me: “What?”

    Bully: “Yeah, man. I love that show but I was doing other stuff last night. So, please, help a Trekkie out. Can I borrow it?”

    Me: “After everything you’ve done to me? No way!”

    (Sadness washes over his face as regains his bully composure.)

    Bully: “Whatever, man. Star Trek’s stupid anyway.”

    (I swear I heard him sniffle a little bit as he walked away.)

    The Biology Of Poetry

    , | AB, Canada | Bizarre/Silly, Exams/Tests, Language & Words, Math & Science

    (My friend and I are in biology class, texting each other. We’re reviewing electrophoresis, a process that’s used to separate DNA fragments. It was also an answer to a question on one of our tests that I completely forgot while I was writing it.)

    Friend: “‘Electropho-I-don’t-know’…”

    Me: “I believe what I wrote on the test was ‘electrosomething? How did I forget this? I’m so sorry’.”

    Friend: “But electropho-I-don’t-know rhymes, though.”

    Me: “We’re not writing slam poetry. It’s bio.”

    (He doesn’t respond for a minute or two, and I look over to his desk to see him typing something long.)

    Me: “Are you writing a slam poem? Because I swear to god—”

    Friend: “Electropho-I don’t know. The smaller ones go fast, while larger goes slow. Why does it do that? I still don’t know. Bio is memorization. It ain’t a huge organization. You got primase, ligase, and polymerase. You just gotta know what the DNA wants to do those days…”

    Me: “I cannot believe you…”

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