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  • The Queen Will Not Be Amused
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    Computer Misapplications

    | Pune, India | Language & Words, Rude & Risque, Teachers, Technology

    (Some professors are not fluent in English and tend to make the ask-aks, desk-deks mistakes. I am attending a Masters in Computer Applications course. This statement from the teacher makes us gape with shock.)

    Professor: “All those who have hard diks, please get them to class tomorrow.”

    What Would Jesus Study?

    , | NH, USA | Religion, Theme Of The Month

    Patron: *walking by the desk, shortly before Easter* “Look, I respect you and all, Jesus, but I’ve got a research paper to write.”

    The Queen Will Not Be Amused

    | England, UK | Bad Behavior, LGBTQ, Liars/Scammers, Students

    (The only girl in the class is a drama queen and centre of attention at all times. If things aren’t going her way she blames it on everyone else and causes a massive scene.)

    Girl: “Ugh, I hate [Teacher].”

    Classmate: “He’s all right.”

    Girl: “No, he told me off. He was completely out of line.”

    Me: “Wait. He told you off because you didn’t do the assignment.”

    Girl: “No, it wasn’t. I think he has a thing for me, dirty old perv.”

    (The teacher is a pretty normal teacher. He is actually one of the most forgiving, but can’t stand it when people forget their assignments. One day I am approached by the head of the department.)

    Head: “Can I have a word with you, please?”

    Me: “Err, me? Sure.”

    Head: “We have had reports that a teacher has been acting improperly towards one of your classmates. I wanted to speak to all of you privately.”

    Me: “Really? I can’t say that I have ever see…” *then it dawns on me* “This is about [Girl] isn’t it?”

    Head: “I can’t say. Have you ever seen a teacher act improperly towards a student, or say anything unprofessional, get too close, that sort of thing?”

    Me: “I hate to say this, but you realise that [Teacher] is gay, right?”

    Head: “What?”

    Me: “I wouldn’t have said anything but I know that [Girl] is making up lies. I have actually met his husband.”

    Head: “Oh, I err, well I never knew.”

    Me: “Please don’t tell him it was me. He doesn’t like to share his private life. But I don’t want him getting into trouble over a girl playing stupid games.”

    Head: “No, no, of course.”

    (A week later, the same head of the department puts his head through the door.)

    Head: “Can I speak to you please, [Girl]?”

    (She has a big smirk on her face, before announcing…)

    Girl: “I’ve had enough of this class and you!” *to teacher* “Expect to be in a lot of trouble.”

    (We could hear her screaming then fake crying through the door. I don’t know where she went but I never saw her at that college again.)

    Lightning Can Strike Twice

    | Santa Rosa, CA, USA | Religion, Teachers, Theme Of The Month

    (My religious studies professor has an unconventional, very theatrical teaching method. He is teaching a class on the history of belief in Satan in the Abrahamic religions, and on this particular day, the lecture is about the rise of Protestant thought. It also happens to be the rainy season in our area, so there is a bit of a storm going on outside.)

    Professor: *at the end of a very impassioned speech about the problems of Catholicism in the late Middle Ages* “…so they said, F*** THE CATHOLIC CHURCH!”

    (Lightning immediately flashes outside, followed by very loud thunder.)

    Class: *erupts in laughter*

    (Later that day, I told this story to a Catholic friend, who immediately gave me a high five. Still later, I related it to a Lutheran friend, who also high-fived me, for completely opposite reasons. This one could go either way, I guess!)

    Punchline Has Been Cancelled

    | USA | Teachers

    (Monday:)

    Sign On Door: “All of [Professor]’s classes are canceled today.”

    Students: “Yay, free time!”

    (Wednesday:)

    Professor: “Sorry, I canceled the other day. I was sick and didn’t want to spread it to anyone.”

    (Friday:)

    Sign On Door: “[Professor]’s nine am class is canceled.”

    (Monday:)

    Professor: “Sorry about Friday. I had a flat tire.”

    (Wednesday:)

    Sign On Door: “[Professor]’s classes are canceled today.”

    Student: *sarcastically* “What did he do, die?”

    Teacher: *glaring* “Yes.” *walks away*

    Student: “What?”

    (We found out during lunch he had died!)


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