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    Literally Lost In Translation

    | Bangor, Wales, UK | Language & Words, Theme Of The Month

    (It’s my first German lecture at university. Being unaware that the university also offers intensive classes in the first year, I just ask the school receptionist where the German class is. When I get in and the class begins, the lecturer starts by teaching the alphabet, getting a couple of letters completely wrong. She then teaches introductions and tells us to speak in pairs. I get her attention, not wanting to just walk out on a member of staff in my first week, and hoping she can tell me where I should be.)

    Me: *in German* “I think I’m supposed to be in another room.”

    Lecturer: *eyes as wide as saucers, speaking German* “Yes, I think so, too.”

    (I wait a second to see if she’s going to tell me where I need to be.)

    Lecturer: *keeps staring*

    Me: *wishing I’d gotten into Hogwarts so I could use my invisibility cloak to walk out*

    A Study In Failing

    | CO, USA | Exams/Tests, Lazy/Unhelpful, Students

    (While sitting in the business school, I overhear this little gem:)

    Girl #1: “Ugh, I have never failed a test so hard in my life!”

    Girl #2: “Which class?”

    Girl #1: “Supply chain.”

    Girl #2: “Oh, really? I have that soon. What do I need to know?”

    Girl #1: “I don’t even know… I didn’t even understand the questions.”

    Girl #2: “Oh crap. Did you make a cheat-sheet?”

    (Some teachers allow a small ‘cheat-sheet’ to use during tests, so long as you turn it in with the test.)

    Girl #1: “Yeah, it didn’t even help.”

    Girl #2: “Oh, god, this sucks… So… you’re in a bad mood because you failed?”

    Girl #1: “No, I didn’t even study… So, whatever. It was just so hard!”

    Very Testing Testing Methods

    | GA, USA | Staff, Teachers, Technology

    (I work at a disability services office at a college. My coworker brings me the phone, saying a professor is having an issue with an exam.)

    Me: “[My Name], how can I help you?”

    Professor: “Yeah, I need [Student #1] and [Student #2]’s tests.”

    Me: “When were these tests administered?”

    Professor: “Tuesday.”

    Me: *while looking up the scanned copies of the exams* “How were the completed exams supposed to be delivered back to you?”

    Professor: “Campus mail.”

    Me: “Dr. [Professor], I’m sorry that the exams haven’t reached you yet. They’re in inter-departmental mail, and because of when they were picked up, they should arrive to your office sometime today.”

    Professor: “Well, I need them now. Are you going to bring them to me?”

    Me: “The hard copies are in inter-departmental mail. What I can do is e-mail you the scans of the exams.”

    Professor: “So you still have the exams?”

    Me: “No, sir, they were picked up yesterday morning or the afternoon before. We make scans of the completed tests in case there’s a problem that arises.”

    Professor: “So I can just come pick up the exams since you still have them?”

    Me: “No, sir, they’re in the mail. I can email you scans of the exams, though. What class is this for?”

    Professor: “My one pm class.”

    Me: “What course prefix and number?”

    Professor: “My one pm business class.”

    Me: “So your [prefix] [number] class?”

    Professor: “Yes, that’s what I said.”

    Me: “Okay, the exams have been attached to an email that I am sending… now.”

    Professor: “I don’t have the e-mail yet.”

    Me: “It’ll take a minute or two. The documents aren’t small.”

    Professor: “Okay. Well, what’s your name?”

    Me: “[My Name].”

    Professor: “And you’re with [Department]?”

    Me: “I’m with [Office], which [Department] falls under. I’m the tech guru in the office.”

    Professor: “Well, from now on, I’m going to just send you my tests, since you’re the only competent one.”

    Me: “Okay, sir. Have a nice day!”

    (I look at my coworker and hang up the phone.)

    Coworker: “You handled that well.”

    Me: “You have no idea how many idiots I had to deal with when I did an internship for [Theme Park]. You learn how to smile, act sweet, and deal with it.”

    Chevy Chasing It

    | Bellevue, WA, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Teachers, Theme Of The Month

    (This is the first day of class. The professor, who is deceptively sleepy-looking but notoriously tough, is about to start going over the syllabus.)

    Professor: “Hello. I’m [Professor], and…” *he pauses and looks down at the syllabus on his desk* “you’re not.”

    (He continues jokingly as the class cracks up.)

    Professor: “Class dismissed.”

    Me: “Glad to have that cleared up.”

    Calling People Numbers Is Just Mean

    | UK | Extra Stupid, Math & Science, Students, Theme Of The Month

    (I’m a TA, answering students’ queries about lab report writing in psychology.)

    Student: “Okay, I’ve got the mean age 22.5. What else do I need to describe about the participants?”

    Me: “What other information do you have from your questionnaires?”

    Student: “Um, gender and ethnicity. Oh, I can report those… So they had a mean gender of 1.6 and a mean ethnicity of 1.3.”

    Me: “What?!”

    Student: “A mean ethnicity of 1.3.”

    Me: “Are you sure about that?”

    Student: “Yeah, look, the mean is 1.3.”

    Me: “So, if you’d never met me and I wrote you a letter saying that my ethnicity was 1.3, you wouldn’t find that a bit weird?”


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