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    Onions Make Most People Cry

    | Portsmouth, England, UK | Bizarre/Silly, Students

    (It’s exam week and half of my chemistry class isn’t in, so we have light revision, Our teacher mentions the properties of nitrous oxide, aka laughing gas. I turn to my friend.)

    Me: “I wonder what it would be like on that. You’d find everything funny.”

    Friend: “True. I mean, you could put a red onion on the table and it would be hilarious.”

    Me: “Spinning it would set us into laughing fit.”

    (We actually imagine this and start laughing to the point that our teacher sees us.)

    Teacher: “Why are you two laughing?”

    Me: *giggling* “We are just laughing at spinning an imaginary red onion.”

    (There’s a long pause.)

    Teacher: “I never expected that kind of response…”

    Will Fight You Tooth And Nail

    | MA, USA | Health & Body, Sports, Teachers, Themed Giveaway

    (I’ve been having some problems with my feet, and it has finally reached the point where I’m in a wheelchair due to pain.)

    Gym Teacher: “Why aren’t you in your gym clothes?”

    Me: “I can’t do gym. I can’t get out of the wheelchair.”

    Gym Teacher: “What? Do you have a doctor’s note?”

    Me: “No.”

    Gym Teacher: “No note, no sitting out. Get your gym clothes on get off your butt and play hockey!”

    Me: “I don’t think you understand! When I put weight on my feet the pain is so bad I collapse! I cannot physically get out of this chair!”

    Gym Teacher: “Well, fine. You can sit out today, but tomorrow you must have a note or I will make you play.”

    (The teacher then proceeded to spend the rest of gym class insulting me and making me cry. My mom spent the afternoon trying to get ahold of my doctor, but he was out of town. Luckily my mom had an appointment with the dentist the same day. Since my gym teacher hadn’t specified which doctor, the next day she had to accept a note with dancing teeth on it!)

    Juan Born Every Minute

    | Columbus, OH, USA | Extra Stupid, Language & Words, Students

    (My students are translating a skit that uses ‘Juan Pablo’ (the Spanish equivalent of ‘John Doe’) as a character. Just for fun, I ask:)

    Me: “Can anyone tell me the fake name the police give an unidentified person? Like on CSI?”

    Overenthusiastic Student: “John Doe!”

    Me: “Good! Now, for bonus points, can anyone take a guess what they call an unidentified person in Spanish?”

    (The same student’s hand shoots up so fast, he almost falls out of his seat. I think he’s put two and two together.)

    Overenthusiastic Student: “Jesús Cristo!”

    Comes With Hush Browns

    | Atlanta, GA, USA | Field Trip, Language & Words, Teachers

    (We are on a band trip and have taken charter buses out of state. We finally arrive at our hotel and the band director is giving us the rough itinerary for the evening and next morning.)

    Band Director: “… and in the morning there will be a confidential breakfast downstairs.”

    (A few students snicker.)

    Me: *whispering to my friend* “Shh… tell no one!”

    Intelligence Does Not Germinate Here

    | USA | Health & Body, Sports, Students, Themed Giveaway

    (In my 10th-grade gym class, there’s a girl who always complains to my teacher, who is also our health teacher, and bothers the other students. She always tries to get out of class, and today, a fairly cold day, is no exception.)

    Girl: “But, [Teacher], I can’t go outside! I might catch a cold!”

    Teacher: “I’m sure you’ll be fine.”

    Girl’s Friend: “No! She’s right. We could get really sick if we’re out there that long!”

    (They continue to complain, not letting the teacher say a word. Finally, I’ve had enough.)

    Me: “Seriously?! Colds are caused by a virus, not going outside in the cold. That’s just an old myth that has absolutely no truth in it. Furthermore, are you actually arguing about this with someone who teaches HEALTH? He’s studied this type of thing for years and is obviously more educated than you about it. If you’re going to try to get out of class, at least do it in an intelligent manner!”

    Teacher: “[My Name]‘s right. You can’t catch a cold just by going outside.”

    Girl: “But… but there are GERMS out there!”

    Teacher & Me: *facepalm*


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