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    A Deranged Exchange

    | Aichi, Japan | Bad Behavior, Language & Words, Students

    (I am an ESL high school teacher in Japan. One of the schools I teach at is getting a group of American exchange students for a month. I think nothing of it, until the morning of their first class, when I am sitting at my desk in the office, preparing for my own classes later in the day. My coworker approaches me, and says in Japanese:)

    Coworker: “Excuse me? We need you to come to [Classroom].”

    Me: “What? Why?” *getting up to follow him*

    Coworker: “You need to speak with the exchange students.”

    Me: “Oh? They were going to come to “English Club” later on this week; I thought I would meet them then?”

    Coworker: “No, you need to speak with them now.”

    Me: “What’s happened? Why?”

    (Arriving at the classroom in question, I am surprised to see two of the exchange students lounging about at the back of the classroom. They’re both girls, but one of them is wearing the boy’s uniform, and the other a pair large cat ears on a headband. The rest of the class has not-so-subtly moved away from them. I switch to English to speak with the girls.)

    Me: “Uh, hello. Welcome to [School]. It seems as if you picked up the wrong uniform—”

    Student #1: “No, she didn’t!”

    Student #2: “Yeah! I got the boy uniform on purpose! I want to be just like [Character] from [Anime]!”

    Student #1: *in broken Japanese* “I like porn!”

    Student #2: *also in broken Japanese* “Porn is number one! Gay porn!”

    Me: “Woah! Woahh! You can’t say that in the classroom! That’s inappropriate!”

    Student #2: *giggling* “Why? No one ever understands.”

    Me: “You’re in Japan now. EVERYONE understands.”

    Student #1: “Then why won’t they listen to us? We tried to get [Male Japanese Student #1] and [Male Japanese Student #2] to make out with each other for us, but they wouldn’t.”

    Student #2: “They look JUST like [two characters from an adult-oriented comic book].”

    Student #1: “We ship them.” *nodding*

    Me: “That’s… These are real people. You can’t ship them, and you REALLY can’t force them to make out with one another.”

    Student #2: *in broken Japanese again* “STUPID! Stupid-stupid Ms.Teacher!”

    Student #1: “Of course we can! It’s JAPAN!”

    (Needless to say, they were removed from general classes. I got to be their personal “Ms.Teacher” for the duration of their stay. What fun. At least the rest of their group was well behaved!)

    Very Hard Candy

    | UT, USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal, Students

    (As a kid I didn’t do too well in school, so when I was 15 and we moved I didn’t have enough credits to transfer to the local high school and had to go to the school for parolees.)

    Classmate: “Does anyone have any candy?”

    (I have a raging sweet tooth and always carry candy, which I love to share. I’ve never spoken to this guy before and most of my classmates have never heard my voice.)

    Me: “Yeah! What kind you like?”

    Classmate: “You sure?”

    Me: “Totally, I’ve got tons more at home. Want a [hard candy], or..?”

    Classmate: “Oh, uh, I meant drugs…”

    Very Corny Unicorn

    | PA, USA | Awesome, Bizarre/Silly, Teachers

    (Our English teacher is giving a quiz.)

    English Teacher: “Now, when you’re finished, I want you to flip it over and draw… uh… a dinosaur fighting a unicorn.”

    (We finish, and he starts asking us to describe our pictures to the class. When he comes to this one kid…)

    English Teacher: “Now, what did you draw – OHHHHHH! It’s a single corn!”

    Some Camo You Can’t See, Some You Don’t Want To See

    | IN, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Students

    (On Veteran’s Day, the students can wear camo or red/white/blue and get a treat. They get the treat from their homeroom teacher which in this case is me.)

    Student: “Miss! Miss! I’m wearing camo.”

    (I turn from where I am handing out treats to some students.)

    Student: “See!”

    (He pulled his boxers out of the top of his pants so I could see that they were camo. He didn’t get the treat.)

    Not Expressly What It Means

    | Dubai, U.A.E | Extra Stupid, Language & Words, Teachers

    (Our English teacher is on maternity leave, and a substitute arrives to take her place. Today, we’re learning about expressions and she’s assigned us a grammar exercise.)

    Substitute Teacher: “Okay, what is the meaning of ‘it’s raining cats and dogs?'”

    Me: *confidently* “It’s raining heavily.”

    Substitute Teacher: “Yes, it’s raining heavily for the cats and dogs. Now, the next…”

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