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    No, That’s Devolution

    | NJ, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals, Students

    (We’re discussing natural selection.)

    Teacher: “Okay, so this theory was devised by Charles Darwin.”

    Student: “Is that the guy that got stung by the stingray?”

    Will Have To Address This Issue

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada | Extra Stupid, Staff

    (I’m attempting to put my dorm room up for rent for the summer, using the university’s official page to do so. However, I can’t find my address in the drop-down list provided. I head to the On-Campus Housing office to sort things out.)

    On-Campus Housing: “Oh, this is about your dorm? You want Off-Campus Housing.”

    Me: “But I live On Campus…”

    On-Campus Housing: “Yeah, you’ll have to go to them. They’re in [bottom floor of another on-campus dorm building].”

    (I head over.)

    Me: “Yeah, my address isn’t listed in the drop-down menu.”

    Off-Campus Housing: “And you’re sure it’s your correct address?”

    Me: “I’ve been getting mail to that address for eight months now, and my contract says [address].”

    Off-Campus Housing: “Well, your official address is actually [different number on adjacent street].”

    Me: “My official address isn’t the one listed on my legally binding contract, signed eight months ago, and at which I’ve been getting mail?”

    Off-Campus Housing: “Correct. Is there anything else we can help you with?”

    A Bad Detention Retention

    | NJ, USA | Bad Behavior, Teachers

    (In sixth grade, someone transferred into my school: the son of the vice principal. Nobody knew why he went to another school previously, but he instantly started acting like he owned the place because of his father. I was a quiet kid so usually avoided him, until one day he decides, out of nowhere, to jump on me and give me a bear-hug, except his arm goes around my neck and I start choking. His father’s the one that breaks us up.)

    Vice-Principal: “What do you two think you were doing?!”

    Son: “Oh we were just messing around!”

    Me: “No, ‘we’ weren’t! You jumped on me and started choking me!”

    Son: “Nah, you started the whole thing!”

    Me: “NO, I DIDN’T! You’re twice my size; why would I do that!?”

    Vice-Principal: “Okay, enough! You’re both getting detention in my office tomorrow.”

    Me: “Wait, me TOO!? For getting choked?!”

    Vice-Principal: “Fighting back is as bad as starting a fight.”

    Me: “I wasn’t fighting back. I WAS GETTING CHOKED AND TRYING TO BREATHE!”

    (However, his decision stands and the principal isn’t there that day to complain to, so I show up at his office the next afternoon… Alone. His son isn’t there, and HE isn’t there either. For an hour I sit alone until finally my mother comes to pick me up, at which point she loses it, storms to the front office, and finds one person still there.)

    Mom: “WHERE IS [Vice-Principal] and [Son]?!”

    Clerk: “Oh, I’m sorry they had an appointment to get to.”

    Me: “What!? I was supposed to be in detention with him today!”

    Clerk: “Yes, [My Name] should have been told it was moved to tomorrow. He’ll have to serve it then.”

    Me: “I was never told! AND I JUST SERVED IT!”

    Mom: “There’s NO way he’s doing this again!”

    (Needless to say it was a long fight, and she scheduled a personal chat with the vice-principal and principal the day he got back to, as she put it, “put the fear of God into them”. The detention ended up struck from my record, and from then until we graduated 8th grade, the vice-principal’s son never bothered me again.)

    Temperamental About The Parental

    | Grand Rapids, MI, USA | Exams/Tests, Parents

    (I am in fourth grade. I have a terrible teacher who does many things that are uncalled for; the following is one of them. Every time we have a spelling test we are required to study with our parents or we have to stay in at recess with our heads down. It didn’t matter what grade we get on it.)

    Teacher: “[Student #1], did you study with your parents last night for the test?”

    Student #1: “Yup”

    Teacher: “[Student #2]?”

    Student #2: “No…”

    Teacher: “You’ll be in last recess. [My Name]?”

    Me: “No, but I got an ‘A’ on it!”

    Teacher: “Doesn’t matter, you’ll be in at last recess, too.”

    (My parents complained to the administrator, stating that it taught us all to lie. The teacher was actually fired for something else later that year.)

    An Existential Roll

    | MI, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Students

    (It’s the first day of school in a high level English class with philosophy incorporated into the syllabus. The teacher is taking roll:)

    Teacher: “[Student #1]?”

    Student #1: “Here.”

    Teacher: “[Student #2]?”

    Student #2: “Here.”

    Teacher: “[My Name]?”

    Me: *pensively* “I… think I’m here.”

    Teacher: “Okay… that’s deep. A bit too deep for this early on in the year… [Student #3]?”


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