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    Thou Shalt Not Bribe

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Exams/Tests, Language & Words, Religion, Teachers

    (My religion teacher has her class memorize one Bible verse per week. At the beginning of the next week, as a scripture quiz, we are expected to write out last week’s verse. She gives us the first two words as a cue. This particular week, a lot of us are having trouble remembering it, so she offers us the third word as well.)

    Classmate: “Can we get the fourth word?”

    Teacher: “No… you usually only get two and now you have three. I think that’s good enough.”

    Classmate #2: “Can we get the seventh word?”

    Teacher: “No.”

    Classmate #1: “Can we get the first syllable of the fourth word?”

    (Our teacher shakes her head.)

    Classmate #1: “I’ll give you 20 bucks!”

    Teacher: “Let’s think about this. You are trying to bribe a religion teacher. What is wrong with this picture?”

    Classmate #1: “I don’t think it is. I think it’s a very nice picture!”

    It’s Either That Or A G-String

    | OH, USA | Musical Mayhem, Rude & Risque, Teachers

    (We’re in choir. Our director is telling the altos that the majority of them should not try for the higher note, and should instead stay on the lower note, a D.)

    Director: “Eh… most of the altos should take the D.”

    (The bass and tenor sections start snickering up a storm.)

    Director:  *glares* “Smooth.”

    Getting A B(S) Grade

    | CO, USA |

    (I am an engineering student giving a presentation with some disappointing partners. The professor we are presenting to is an expert in the field and so likes to ask complex problems to trip people up.)

    Partner: “So… uh … yeah. That’s my report.”

    Professor: “Well what about [doctorate level equation]?”

    Partner: “Uh… uh… um…”

    (At this point I see my partner floundering and attempt to answer as best I could, making it up as I go.)

    Professor: “You have run a business before, haven’t you?”

    Me: “Yes, sir. How did you know?”

    Professor: “Because that was all absolute bulls*** but it was by far the most professional sounding bulls*** I ever heard. I’ll give you the ‘A’ for that.”

    This Ninja Is Crackers

    | Brooklyn, NY, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Food & Drink, Students

    (I teach Spanish at a high school. Today, we’re discussing foods:)

    Me: *in Spanish* “What do you eat for lunch?”

    Student: *in Spanish* “I eat crackers in the library.”

    (I am new to this school and not yet familiar with all of the school’s policies, but it seems a bit odd to me that students would be allowed to eat in a library. I decide to ask:)

    Me: “They let you eat in the library here?”

    Student: “No, but I’m a ninja.”

    Wishing You Could Delete Them

    | VA, USA | Crazy Requests, Students, Technology

    (I work for a university IT help desk, and we give help to anyone for free as long as we can fix it at the front counter.)

    Me: “Hi. What can I do you for today?”

    Student: “I need you to back up my student ID and archive my emails for me.”

    Me: I’m sorry, could you repeat that again?”

    Student: “I said, I need you to back up my student ID and archive my emails for me.”

    (Note: your student ID is basically the username that lets you use the school’s online services, and is linked to all of your student information that the University keeps track of.)

    Me: “I’m sorry. Your student ID isn’t something that can be backed up, and only you can archive emails that you receive.”

    Student: “Well, I don’t want people to be able to read my emails, so I want you to print them all out for me and then delete them. And I want you to delete my student ID. I don’t want people hacking it.”

    (At this point I start looking around for my coworkers who are pointedly doing something else or hiding somewhere where she can’t see them. This is an immediate red flag for me.)

    Me: “There’s no way for me to access your account, much less print off every email in the inbox. And we can deactivate your student ID, but it can’t be deleted. It’s the university’s record of all of your information since you started attending the university. Legally they have to keep that information and aren’t allowed to delete it.”


    (At this point, I go get my boss, and he gets the head of the entire IT services for the school.)

    Boss #1: “Hello ma’am. What seems to be the problem?”

    Student: “Your employee won’t back up my student ID, or delete it, or archive my emails!”

    Boss #1: “It’s impossible for him to do any of those things, as only you have access to your email account and it’s illegal for us to delete your student ID.”

    (The next 30 minutes or so go by with the customer asking the exact same questions over and over even though both of my bosses keep telling her that what she wants is either illegal or impossible.)

    Student: “Where’s the lady that I talked to last time? She helped me much more than you two!”

    Boss #2: “She is my employee, and she would only tell you the exact same thing that I’m telling you, so I’m not going to waste her time with this.”

    (This eventually ended with Boss #2 telling her to leave, and then sending out an email to all of the workers saying that if she should come in again with any problems outside of our normal area, to give him a call and tell her to go to the side and wait. It turned out that the customer came in several times a week with varying crazy requests and he was tired of having to deal with it.)

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