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    Had No Brain Cells For The Alcohol To Kill

    | UK | Health & Body, Students

    (I am in a science lesson. We are discussing the uses of ethanol.)

    Me: “It’s in hand sanitizer, too.”

    Classmate: “Really?”

    Me: “Yep. ‘Cause it’s an alcohol. Two boys at my brother’s school found out hand sanitizer had alcohol in it and drank a bottle of it once.”

    Classmate: *gasps* “Really?!”

    Me: *unconcerned* “Yep. They were in hospital for two weeks!”

    Classmate: “Wow. Why would anyone do that?”

    Me: “Because they were stupid. Most people at that school are.”

    Mom Knows How To Make A Meal Out Of It

    | RI, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Parents, Students

    (I’m stopping by the main college building, where most of the offices and administration are, at the beginning of the school year. At the information/help desk, a mother and her freshman son are bombarding the student employee at the desk with questions. I stand nearby to wait my turn.)

    Mother: “Okay, so how do I check how many dining hall meals my son has on his account?”

    Employee: “Whenever he goes to the dining hall and has his card swiped, he can ask for his meal plan balance.”

    Mother: “No. I want to know how I, MYSELF, can check on his balance.”

    Employee: “…um, I don’t think we have a service like that. Only the student can access that, so you can ask him.”

    Mother: “But how am I supposed to check if he’s eating enough?! I want to keep an eye on his meal plan balance to make sure he’s eating well and often! How do you expect him to do that on his own?!”

    Son: *standing there embarrassed and looking like a kicked puppy*

    (I gave him a sympathetic look, and then decided I was better off coming back later!)

    Inappropriate Gaymes

    | ON, Canada | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (My mom is a daycare teacher with kids aged two to five in one area of the centre. In another area there’s a before- and after-school program for kids aged six to twelve. They’re doing a games day, and are making signs for it. My mom goes to their room to talk to one of the teachers. A lot of the children had her as their teacher when they were little, so they know her.)

    Children: “Ms. [Mom], Ms. [Mom], come look at our signs!”

    (My mom looks at the painted banners, each with the name of a different game or event, e.g. Three Legged Race, Sack Race, etc. Everything is fine until she gets to the banner for the Capture the Flag game.)

    Mom: “Um… how did you make these signs, guys?”

    Children: “Well each person got to draw and colour in our letter.”

    Mom: *calls for the older kid’s teacher* “Did you proof-read these signs?”

    Other Teacher: “No. Why?”

    Mom: *points at the sign which should read CAPTURE THE FLAG, but is missing the letter ‘L.’*

    Other Teacher: “Oh, my gosh!”

    They Have A Badly Written Warning

    | ON, Canada | Art/Design, Teachers

    (My teacher is from Europe and has a very thick accent which can make him sound very scary.)

    Teacher: “If your writing is bad, I have a hard time reading it.”

    Students: *look at him questioningly*

    Teacher: “If it is really bad I have a hard time not burning it and sacrificing it at dawn.”

    Students: *laugh*

    Teacher: “For real.”

    Guilty Until Proven Innocent

    | Pittsford, NY, USA | Books & Reading, Exams/Tests, Parents, Teachers

    (I am in my ninth grade history class and we are given a writing assignment. I choose a subject I am very interested in, and am excited to do the paper because I normally get very poor grades due to confidence issues. This time I am confident about my ability. A couple days after I turn in my paper, my mother gets this phone call.)

    Teacher: “I think [My Name] plagiarized her paper.”

    Mom: “What?! She would never do that. What makes you think that?”

    Teacher: “Frankly, it’s too good. One of the best papers I’ve ever had in this class. I know she couldn’t have done it.”

    Mom: “She chose a subject she loves. Of course it’s good!”

    Teacher: “She simply doesn’t have the work ethic to do this good of a paper. She needs to bring in all of the books she cited for this paper to prove she didn’t plagiarize.”

    Mom: *furious but trying to stay calm* “Okay. If she brings them in what will her grade be?”

    Teacher: “An ‘A,’ of course.”

    Mom: “And if she doesn’t?”

    Teacher: “A ‘D.'”

    Mom: “I was with her when she went to the library for these. One of the books had a cover that was falling off, and I don’t think they will have it back in circulation. What if she can’t find it?”

    Teacher: “That’s not my problem. I have no proof that book even exists.”

    (My mom and I tried our valiant best to find another copy of that book, even looking in other libraries, to no avail. I ended up getting a “D” on “one of the best papers” to go through that class. For the record, I transferred schools and became a straight-A student and graduated a couple years ago with a double-major bachelor degree in the same amount of time as a single degree. Some teachers just need to show a little more faith in their students!)

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