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  • His Rules Look Good On Paper
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    Knows My ABCs But Not ‘E’s

    | The Netherlands | Extra Stupid, Students, Technology

    (One of my colleagues is supervising students in a research project. The day she is supposed to train them on how to conduct the study, she falls ill and asks me to take over. During the training, I help the students install the necessary software.)

    Student: “So where do I get those files?”

    Me: “Do you have an Internet connection?”

    Student: “No.”

    Me: “Then take this flash drive and open Explorer, please.”

    Student: “Explorer… Er… Internet?”

    Me: “No, Windows Explorer.”

    Student: *now puzzled* “What…?”

    Me: “Just hit Windows key and E.”

    Student: *more and more confused* “What…?”

    (I reach over and hit the appropriate keys. Windows Explorer pops up.)

    Student: “Oh my, that’s just too technical for me!”

    A Solid Actor

    | Canada | Bizarre/Silly, Math & Science, Movies & TV, Students

    (My science teacher has to leave, so she asks another teacher to watch us, with the instruction that if we aren’t talking about solids we shouldn’t be talking.)

    Me: *talking about Tom Cruise*

    Teacher: “You know you aren’t supposed to be talking about that.”

    Me: “…Tom Cruise is technically a solid!”

    Marked Down For Dressing Up

    | Denver, CO, USA | Awesome, Students

    (My government teacher has a habit of throwing his marker over his head to try and make it land on the rim of the board. Student #1 is a guy.)

    Student #1: “Mr. [Teacher]! I bet you can’t make it from the back of the room!”

    Teacher: “Oh, really? So, how about this. If I make it from the back of the class, will you,

    [Student #1], wear a dress tomorrow?”

    Student #1: “If you don’t you have to let us out early.”

    Teacher: “Deal!”

    (He then proceeds to walk to the back of the classroom, covers his eyes, and chucks it over his head, like something out of a movie. It hits the rim, bounces once… twice… three times, then settles on the rim of the board.)

    Entire Class: “D***!”

    (Student #1 showed up in a dress the next day.)

    His Rules Look Good On Paper

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Exams/Tests, Health & Body, Theme Of The Month

    (First day of class, our history professor is explaining the syllabus. He gets to the part concerning exams, and because he’s had problems in the past with people trying to take advantage of the situation he has some strict rules regarding them:)

    Professor: “All of your tests, including the midterm and final exams, will be a list of take-home essay questions. You will have to pick eight out of ten possible questions to answer. Minimum of two typed pages per question. I warn you, however, I will not accept late exams whatsoever. I don’t care if your grandma died, if you were in the hospital, if you were in a car accident… If that test is not on my desk before I greet the class on the due date you fail.”

    (Cut to the morning the midterm is due. I get into a nasty accident on the freeway on my way to class. I don’t need an ambulance, but a passing nurse and the arriving police do administer some emergency first aid on the scene. My boyfriend picks me up as my totaled car is towed away, and I beg him to take me to campus to drop off my paper on our way to the hospital. As I approach the classroom minutes before class is set to begin, I see my professor enter ahead of me. I hobble as fast as I can to get to the room, but I hear him talking to the class before I enter. He hears me as I enter but his back is turned so he can’t see me.)

    Professor: “You’re late. Your paper fails. Just toss it in the trash.”

    Other Student: “Dude… look at her!”

    (The professor turns towards me and freezes in shock. I’m standing in the doorway with a black eye and broken nose, cuts from shattered glass on my face and arms, and bloody bandages and clothes all over. I walk into the classroom, drop my test on his desk, and turn around to leave.)

    Me: “I don’t care if I fail. I finished it on time, and I got it here, and I wanted you to know that.”

    Professor: “What happened to you? Are you okay?”

    Me: “Car accident. Oh and I’m going to miss class today. Going to the hospital now.”

    (I walk out the door to complete silence, but as I turn the corner I can hear another student yell to the professor through the open door:)

    Other Student: “YOU JINXED HER! THAT IS SO YOUR FAULT!”

    (He didn’t fail my test, and I even got extra credit on it. I became friends with him and later tutored in that subject even after I’d graduated. Three years later I got one of his students, and he told me that the professor still uses me as an example to other classes that he still won’t accept late papers because if I can manage to get my test in, they all should!)

    Putting The Dry Into Dry Humor

    , | MI, USA | Dorms

    (My college officially has a dry campus, though some students choose to ignore that rule and bring alcohol into the dorms. Our RA is a mild-mannered guy who seems blind to the many indiscretions of the floor. The entire year, he only calls us together for a single floor meeting, the entirety of which is transcribed below:)

    RA: “Guys, I know that even though you’re all underage, some of you drink. I wish you wouldn’t, but realistically, I know I can’t stop you. I know that even though alcohol isn’t allowed on campus, some of you drink on campus. I wish you wouldn’t, but realistically, I know I can’t stop you. I know that even though this is an underclassman dorm, some of you are drinking in your rooms. I wish you wouldn’t, but realistically, I know I can’t stop you. Since you’re going to break the rules no matter what I do, I’m not going to try to prevent you from drinking in your rooms. I just have one request: For the f******* love of God, would you stop leaving your empties in the dorm kitchen recycling bins?!”


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