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    My Brother The Hero

    | London, England, UK | Bully, Family & Kids, Students, Top

    (I am 13, and being bullied badly at my all-girls school. We had just got a handsome new handyman at school and since we are in the middle of nowhere and deprived of men most of the day, almost everyone girl in the school is going ga-ga at him. One day I am being insulted as I walk down the corridor by one of the school’s worst bullies. The handyman turns the corner, sees me, and ignoring all these girls, gives me a huge hug. All the girls’ jaws just drop, especially the bully’s.)

    Bully: *sneering* “How do you know him? Is he your boyfriend or something?”

    Me: “No. Actually, he’s my brother.”

    Brother: *grinning* “And I don’t have a girlfriend at the moment.”

    (From that day on, none of the girls laid a finger on me, and I passed through the next three years unscathed. We never told them that my brother was gay.)

    Something Is Wrong With His Biology

    | San Diego, CA, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Math & Science, Teachers, Top

    (I am in a general-education biology class, where we are learning about fossilization. The professor is a short, overweight man with a British accent known for saying bizarre things. My college is on the side of a steep hill.)

    Professor: “And so, if I was sitting in my office one day, and a mudslide occurred, the mud would break through my window and smash me against the opposite wall.”

    (Without warning, he runs across the room at full speed, slamming into the wall and falling over on his back. He lies there for a while without saying anything. Just as we are all starting to seriously wonder if he is actually hurt, he begins speaking again, still on his back.)

    Professor: “And so, I’d be quite dead, and the mud would completely cover me. Once the mud dried and my body started to decompose – which might take a while, given my large mass – then perhaps minerals would start to seep into the space and leave behind a fossil, which future archaeologists would discover and put on display in the Smithsonian, with a title: ‘Fat British Scientist.’”

    Taking Back Command For The Post

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Teachers, Technology, Top

    (It’s an ordinary day in class. My instructor is lecturing, and most of the students are taking notes, except for one student who keeps playing with his phone.)

    Phone: “Say a command.”

    (Everyone within earshot notices this, but our instructor doesn’t let it get to him. He continues with the lesson.)

    Phone: “Say a command.”

    (Now a few students are starting to get annoyed, and are giving this problem student the stink-eye. He’s still in his own world, unaware of what’s around him, still playing with his phone.)

    Phone: “Say a command.”

    (Another student begins to stand up, presumably to go and confront our troublesome classmate. But our instructor signals for him to sit back down, which he does. Then our instructor quietly walks up to the ignorant student and…)

    Instructor: “F*** OFF! HOW’S THAT FOR A COMMAND?”

    (The student with the phone jumps out of his chair and drops the phone. Its battery and cover fall off, and the instructor quickly snatches up the battery and holds onto it for the rest of class!)

    She’s Hot Iron

    | Czech Republic | Awesome, Teachers, Top

    (Our chemistry teacher is lady in her 60s, known as the Iron Lady. She is very strict, serious, but fair with good sense of humor.)

    Student #1: “Teacher! I hear sirens!”

    Iron Lady: “Okay, class. Line up and let’s go. [Student #1], take the class log with you.”

    (We get out and wait for firemen to arrive when I notice we are missing one student.)

    Me: “We don’t have [Student #2]. He is in the bathroom!”

    Iron Lady: “Okay, wait here. I’ll find him.” *heads back to the building*

    (The school director approaches our class.)

    Director: “Where is your teacher? You should have had class with her!”

    Me: “She went back to find [Student #2]!”

    Director: *looks at the smoke coming out of the building* “Oh, my God! I hope she is okay! There is a fire in men’s bathroom on the second floor!”

    (Everyone is horrified. At that moment burning trash bin flies out of the door followed by the Iron Lady coming out of the smoke with a fire extinguisher in one hand and dragging [Student #2] by his ear.)

    Iron Lady: “What’s up? I found this idiot playing with fire on the second floor. [Student #1], I hope you didn’t lose the class log. It’d be a h*** of a job to rewrite it. Oh, and by the way, I took care of the fire. You can call now me ‘Lady of Flames.’”

    For Mature Players Only

    | Canada | Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Students, Top

    (I am a geek shunned by most for my habits of reading for fun and playing role-playing games and ‘Magic: The Gathering,’ which had only been in print for about two years at the time. One lunchtime, I am trading and playing ‘Magic’ with my friends when one of the popular kids decides to grab my box of trading cards and run off down the hall. I give chase but a teacher stops me as I run past, so I explain the situation. He has the other student paged to the office.)

    Teacher: “So, [My Name] says you stole his cards?”

    Me: “I have about a half dozen witnesses.”

    Student #1: “I threw them in the garbage can by the library while you were running after me.”

    (I had been standing beside that garbage can when I had been unable to chase any further it had not been there.)

    Me: “No, you didn’t. I want my cards back.”

    Teacher: “Well, I want you to settle this maturely between yourselves. The teachers cannot be involved in mediating every little incident.”

    Me: “Maturely? Sure. Will you at least be willing to act as a witness that he admitted to taking them when I have him charged with grand larceny?”

    Teacher & Student #1: “Grand larceny?”

    Me: “Yes, isn’t that the mature response to theft: to file charges with the police? That box contained a lot of cards, including four copies each of the 10 [series of very expensive cards] worth $50 each. That alone is $2,000 – easily within the realm of grand larceny. If my cards are not returned in same condition by end of day I will be laying charges.”

    (They were, and I didn’t even insist on an apology!)


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