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    Turns Out Not So Great (Britain)

    | OH, USA | Extra Stupid, Geography, Staff, Top

    (My cousin, who was born in England but raised in the United States, is in the process of filling out college applications. Since there is a major university in our city, and I am a recent graduate of that university, he asks me to take him to campus so he can apply in person.)

    Cousin: “Hi. I’d like to apply for admissions.”

    Secretary: “Okay, hun. Here’s the packet you’ll need to fill out. You can use that table over there, and bring it back up whenever you are done.”

    (My cousin fills out the application, with me helping. When he’s done, he returns it to the secretary who takes it. She says someone will be in touch, and we turn to leave. However, just before we get out the door, she stops us.)

    Secretary: “Oh, hold on! There’s a problem here, hun!”

    Cousin: “Is there? Did I forget a section, or something?”

    Secretary: “No, that’s not it. It’s that you have your place of birth listed as Manchester, England.”

    Cousin: “Yes, that’s correct. I was born in England, but raised in the US. I’m a citizen, if that’s the problem. I have my social security card if you need to see it.”

    Secretary: “No, dear, that’s not the problem. I believe you are a citizen. It’s that all foreign-born applicants must take an English-language proficiency test. We don’t want you to get behind in class because you can’t understand what’s going on.”

    Cousin: “Umm… but, I was born in England and raised in the US. I ONLY speak English.”

    Secretary: “I’m sorry, but only applicants who were born in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, Australia, and New Zealand are exempt from the test.”

    Cousin: “Oh, okay. That makes sense. I was born in the UK.”

    Secretary: “No, dear, you said you were born in England, not the UK.”

    Cousin:  “But, England is a PART of the UK.”

    Secretary: “Dear, we don’t like dishonest applicants. If you were born in the UK you would not have listed ‘England’ as your country of birth.”

    Cousin: “Okay. I see the confusion. British politics is a bit weird. But, England is a part of the UK. The full name is ‘The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.'”

    Secretary: “Dear, I’m not stupid. I know that. You said you were from England, not Great Britain or Northern Ireland.”

    Cousin: “Ma’am, with all due respect, England is a PART of Great Britain which is, in turn, a PART of the United Kingdom.”

    Secretary: “You’ll still need the test to prove you can understand English well enough to be a student here.”

    Cousin: “I need a TEST to prove that I speak and understand English, the language I am speaking to you now, even though I come from the country the language is NAMED after?!”

    (At this point, I can see my cousin is about to scream or cry in frustration. I step in.)

    Me: “Ma’am, could you please get your supervisor?”

    Secretary: “I don’t see why that’s necessary.”

    Me: “Please, get your supervisor for me.”

    (She storms off for about five minutes. From the back we here ‘IT IS NOT!’ followed by ‘ARE YOU SURE IT IS?’ Then, a different woman approaches us.)

    Supervisor: “Don’t worry. Everything is taken care of. You won’t be needing the English-language proficiency test, and I’ll be sure to educate my staff better on the UK. Have a good day!”

    More Wordplay

    | MO, USA | Awesome, Language & Words, Musical Mayhem, Students, Top

    (We are in a sociology class, during a review for an upcoming test. The teacher is quizzing us on the vocabulary term ‘more’ (pronounced mor-ay) which means a set of social customs and morals.)

    Teacher: “Does anybody know what a ‘more’ is?”

    (I couldn’t resist…)

    Me: “When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, THAT’S a more!”

    Teacher: *laughs loudly*

    Students: *groan*

    Me: *grinning like an idiot*

    (And that was the best moment of my high school education.)

    You Are Mostly Dead To Me

    | TX, USA | Language & Words, Movies & TV, Students, Teachers, Top

    Student #1: “You know how we had to write a movie review about our favorite movie for [English Teacher]‘s class?”

    Student #2: “Yeah, what about it?”

    Student #1: “I did mine on The Princess Bride. Today, [English Teacher] called me up and told me I had to redo it because she had never heard of that movie and thought I had just made it up.”

    Student #2: “She never saw The Princess Bride? That’s just… inconceivable!”

    (Both students start laughing uncontrollably.)

    Flipping Out Over The Desk

    | Port Coquitlam, BC, Canada | Parents, Teachers, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (I am in a double class being taught by two teachers. Both women are extremely over the top crazy for organization and decorum and will give at-desk suspensions to those who can’t do either. Needless to say, I had to sit at my desk for lunch break a lot. One day, after lunch, my teacher decides to have a randomized desk check. I wasn’t finished with my lunch, and it was in my desk as I had just served an in class suspension. I had small open packages like nuts and candies. My teacher comes straight to me first, and without even looking, overturns my desk in front of an entire class of 50+ kids. She glares at me, and then, with a smug smile, turns to the class.)

    Teacher: “This is why you all need to be organized. Society hates people who can’t keep their stuff in order.”

    (I’m destroyed. I’m seven years old and a teacher just made fun of me in front of my entire class. Only my best friend stands up for me at the time, coming all the way across the room from his desk to help me right my desk and put all my things in order. I ended up losing control and crying, again, in front of my class. Needless to say, when I went home, I talked to my mom about exactly what happened. My mom just assures me that things would be okay. The next morning, I walked to school with my neighbours, who had heard at school what happened. They asked me about what happened, but I didn’t want to talk about it. It wasn’t until I sat down for class when the boy beside me leaned over to me.)

    Boy: “My mom said what the teacher did to you wasn’t right.”

    (The teacher overhears this, and comes flying over. )

    Teacher: “It IS right. End of story. Your mother is wrong.”

    (Just then, I hear a commotion outside the class door, and my mother come through the door, being tailed by the principal, all four vice principals, and the secretarial staff, all from the office. My mom had spent the last hour in the office trying to move me out of the classroom. As it was the only grade three class at the time the principal couldn’t move me. My mom sees me, comes right my desk, and tells me to start packing. Of course, my teacher tries to intercept. This is all happening in front of my entire class of 50+ kids.)

    Teacher: *to my mom* “Who are you?”

    Mom: “I’m [My Name]‘s mom. Who are you?”

    Teacher: “I’m [My Name]‘s teacher.”

    Mom: “Really?”

    Teacher: “Yes. I am.”

    Mom: *pointing to a desk in the corner* “Is that where you sit?”

    Teacher: “When I’m not teaching, yes.”

    (My mom went over to the teacher’s desk, pulled out every single drawer, and dumped all it’s contents out on the floor. Then, she flipped the desk on it’s side, in front of my entire class, the principal, and all his support staff.)

    Mom: *to the teacher* “Now clean it up.” *to the support staff* “Don’t help her. She’s beyond it, anyway.”

    (My mom proceeded to grab my entire desk and walk down the hallway with it. As I had no other class to be in, my desk was placed just outside of the principal’s office, where I carried out the remainder of the year. The teacher was eventually fired after a full investigation and had her license to teach pulled.)

    The Least Of Their Worries

    | Norway | Field Trip, Students, Top

    (I’m attending university in Norway, studying archaeology. We’re on our first dig. It’s April, in middle Norway, on an island off the coast, which means we have very varying weather, but we’ve finally gotten some sunshine.)

    Classmate #1: “Ugh, this digging is killing my back.”

    Me: “At least the sun is shining.”

    (I’ve hardly said this before clouds obscure the sun.)

    Me: “Oh. At least it’s still warm.”

    (Moments later, a cold breeze comes in from the sea.)

    Me: “Uh… at least it’s not raining.”

    (It doesn’t take long before ice cold sleet starts coming down.)

    Classmate #2: *glares at me* “If you start another sentence with ‘at least,’ I will duct tape your mouth shut.”

    Me: *grins* “At least you don’t have duct tape.”


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